The little door

It's been four working days since I've had a job. Those four working days have felt like an eternity. In those four working days and two weekend days, my mood has sunk lower day after day. I spent the entire weekend at home, contemplating going somewhere, doing something, cleaning my house...trying to be productive, and when I list everything that's been done from then to now, yeah, lots has been crossed off my to-do list...but it feels like nothing.

There's a little door inside my brain. That little door has opened up. And while the little door is small in nature, once I walk into the room, it's very easy to get sucked in, swallowed up whole, and any rational, calm thinking no longer exists. The small door leads to the Depression Room. I've just been visiting. I'm not there all day, every day. I can experience happiness, I laugh, and I am productive...but I'm there more and more. It's scary and sad. While in earlier months I had more hope and had a…

Eyeshadow Warrior

I had a pretty intense job interview this week - the third of the last – this was the decision maker – and I fell apart.

Internally, near the end of the interview, externally, on the way home, after, hours after, the night before…these job interviews and getting *almost* there, is just draining me. It’s nerve wracking anxiety, it’s like waiting for the results of this big exam to see if you get into Harvard, it’s…well, it’s a big freaking big deal.

After me falling apart, crashing and burning, going home, cuddling my dog, watching the movie Stepbrothers (you know it’s a bad time when that movie comes out, it’s my soothing, go-to movie that I always watch when I’m just not ok), having a nap, cleaning my house, I started to put together a thank you/follow up email to my interviewer. I may not get the job, but like I hell I was going down without a fight. I can’t go into all the details, but I have a friend in the same world as Interviewer who knows Interviewer and the way that the world…

I hope.

Well. Wasn’t I having a day on Sunday?! It’s hard sometimes not to plan for the future…when the future is so uncertain. It’s also easy for me to start to spiral into my circle of negativity. Let’s face it, this hasn’t been the best year of my life…but has it been the worst? Nope. It’s been a fight, but it’s also given me perspective. Unfortunately, I don’t always have a positive perspective. It’s hard to see what I have in front of me sometimes. The reality is, I have a lot more than most. The reality also is that Alberta is hit hard economically. Retailers, restaurants, and all kinds of companies are closing down and more and more people are without a job.
I think I thought that that it was somehow my fault that I didn’t have a job…like taking time off to study or not working in so long had ruined me in some way. No, it hadn’t. There are no jobs in my field right now. I’m working a temp job that doesn’t pay half of my regular salary, has no benefits, and has an extra-long commute, bu…

In one year.

Well, it was a great idea for me to try and start a serious on compassion and start to better myself...but life happened. Life has been happening the entire hasn't been an easy go...but I had to get myself ready for a big change, and doing self-indulgent things like taking time to write or anything relating to self-care went out right out the window.

And they have to come back this weekend - or else I'll never make it.

I could go back and read how much I've shared about experiences with mental health and depression on the blog, but I don't feel like it. I have a bit of time to write, so I'm just going to take the time to write, and see what comes out of it. For many, many years, I've had depression. The thing is, my depression, when not well managed, presents itself as anxiety. It went misdiagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder because of that fact until 2014 when I uprooted my life to be with my then husband in Montreal, and shit hit the fan, and…

2nd Compassion Post

Alrighty, so maybe my posts about compassion won't be every week, but I'm trying here. Last week's post was 11 days ago...and there's been a lot going on since then. But I'll get right to the point here. Here are some things that I have done in the past (and continue to do) to help myself with compassion for myself. For the non-believers - just try it. For those trying to get into meditation and don't want anything to do with meditation, here's another reason to try this.

Click on this site:

You'll see the following screen:
The first meditation is called Loving-Kindness. I dare you to play it. It's nothing crazy. You can use it as a meditation, I do now. But I used to use it in traffic to calm me down (obviously not as a meditation) in Montreal traffic. Like when I was about to go nutzo in crazy traffic that used to make me stressed out before I even got to work. It helped SO MUCH.  You can try out…

Hippy stuff: Compassion

Fall is among us. Geez, that sounds like an introduction to a sermon or something. But it's true. Fall is among us and it's time for me to ramble on and review the summer and set some intentions for the upcoming season.
There is one word for the fall season and it is:
The main use will be compassion towards myself, however, for me to practice compassion towards myself, I have to practice compassion towards others as well. 
Let's just take a step back here and get the true definition of compassion: 
Dictionary version: This is a word for a very positive emotion that has to do with being thoughtful and decent. (this is kind
Biblical version: The meaning of compassion is to recognize the suffering of others, then take action to help. ... The Bible defines the meaning of compassion in several ways. We are to “speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves ... defend the rights of the poor and needy” (Proverbs 31:8-9, NIV).
Why do we need compassion:Scientific resear…

The blues.

I'm looking out the window and everything seems like it should be fine. It's a nice, sunny day...but my brain and body are tired and worn down. Looking back at the posts when I first moved to Madagascar, it seems like I have some of the same patterns. They resemble something similar to that of a volatile stock chart:
Some weeks are perfect, flying by, getting tons accomplished, and then there are some weeks where I feel like it's difficult to do anything... My house feels messy no matter how often I'm picking up after myself, I'm breaking off plans, and I just can't seem to feel the real me. But since I'm me...I guess this is the real me. 
When I look back on my much has happened: January: Life changing, heart-crushing, devastating heartbreak. I've survived heartbreak before, but this was...well this was earth shattering. Not only was it heartbreak, my whole life changed. Everything that I thought was real wasn't and up and down an…