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Okavango Delta - still going strong

I remember this day so very well. I would often feel defeated because we were a group of 21 and I was always the one sleeping by myself, which meant putting up and TAKING DOWN my tent by myself. Sounds easy? It was always hot and humid and then in the mornings, we were always extremely rushed to eat, finish our chores, shower, and get on with the day and if you didn't pack that damn tent exactly the way that you had to - forget it, you had to do it all over again and it was HEAVY. 
So when our poler put mine up and took mine down, well, that was a day worth remembering to begin with. 
But it was when the singing started. Usually when I travel, I'm a shutterbug, but this trip I barely took any photos and I wish I could have recorded that moment. But then I would have missed the experience. Right before the polers were singing, I wasn't really enjoying life all that much. I had to borrow water and I had to ask multiple people - even those that had over 2+ liters left and obv…

Letting Go

Maybe it's some magic wisdom that's appeared after turning 40, but I have finally seen the light and I am finally saying goodbye to a very significant relationship that I've had my entire life. I'll still keep in touch, be respectful, and civil, but I'm detaching myself from the traditional relationship that we had and that I thought we always would. Those who know me, know this person well, and know that heartache that I've experienced while keeping this relationship, always hoping that one day, things would improve; one day, a mutually caring relationship would return; one day, the person that I knew twenty years ago would come back.

Today, I'm done hoping, and the act of giving up hope is tragic, but a release. I am sad and feeling a sense of mourning. I feel rejected and yes, like my heart is breaking again, but, it's final. No more expectations. I'm letting go of the anxiety of wondering if I will get a call or an email or some kind of contact.…

40.

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This is 40. A little sleepy. A little makeup leftover from last night. But still 40.



39 was one of the hardest years of my life but it taught me more than I could have ever hoped. 40 is going to have some bumps in the road. I keep seeing the numbers "40" and thinking I can't possibly be THAT old...I'm still somewhere in my twenties...and then I think...thank God I'm 40.

Thank God I was able to spend those years in Madagascar, surviving and thriving and travelling the world. A cross between a gift on a silver platter and a poisonous apple. The joys of living in a third world country where one truly learns about what really matters; the joys of meeting people that I would have never known if I hadn't been 15,000km away from "home";  the joys of travelling the world to the most remote places, seeing the most incredible sights and living experiences to this day that I still can't believe or make sense of; the heartbreaking sadness of living next to …
If I don’t leave the house than I don’t have to face reality.
My grandma has had two strokes in as many weeks. Mild, but enough for a scare.
I’m avoiding putting on my shoes so that I don’t have to go to the hospital. I’ve always wanted to have my grandparents stay 67 years old, despite my parents nearly being that age.

I just don’t want to lose another grandparent.


Edit: it turns out that things are ok. Everyone has to face reality...& my grandma is doing ok.

Last year and this year

It has been almost one year since my heart was trashed, since I left Montreal (and have yet to return), and since I showed up on my friend's doorstep, with pale grey complexion, lost eyes, and an even more lost soul.

I'm not going to write about every month, every rejection, every battle, every success, every win, because 2019 kicked my ass and I NEVER could have imagined that I would be on the other side of it. But I AM HERE. Not only am I here, but I am still winning. Yep, I'm accepting help from the ones that love me and yep, my finances are a complete mess, but here's the thing, I know SO MANY people that have started from square one at 40, 45, 50, and they have persevered. And while I have my doubts at times and I CERTAINLY have my down moments, I have overcome too much and I have come too far to give up now.

I moved to Edmonton during an economic crisis only to see the economy get worse. I had to stop being the one that helped others and I had to take any and all…

2020 part 1

I’ll have to write about it more, but this year’s resolution is a BIG one and it’s something that’s been holding me back for some time. I’ve made a lot of progress throughout the years, but in 2020, I’m attacking this one like it’s my bitch.

In 2020, I’m going to be working the entire year to be nicer to myself, to be less hard on myself, to have more reasonable expectations of myself, & to be more self-compassionate with myself. I have so many tools & resources already...I just don’t take the time to do them.

Unfortunately, since December 30th, I have had a wicked flu & cough which haven’t let me do a lot of planning for 2020 for this mega accomplishment that I’m undertaking.


But there is one thing that’s come up twice over the last couple of months that I want to remember, and deals with negative self-talk, which relates to being kinder to oneself (don’t worry, this blog will be more fun this year & not just self-help junk & crying my eyes out).

So, something to …

The struggle year

I figured I should pop in after that last post, just to let any readers know that I'm managing. It's a struggle a lot of days and I feel like I should be doing more than I am, but..this is the year of the struggle. When I look at this year from the big picture, I've actually accomplished a lot. I've moved provinces, done some big renovations on my place, survived what feels like the biggest breakup of my life (no, it has been the biggest breakup of my life), oh - and here's the big one - managed to stay relatively sane while Alberta's economy has kicked me when I've been down. It doesn't feel like it most of the time...and I feel like I'm failing most of the time, but I've had to get creative, I've worked at a job that pays me less than a third of my regular salary (and while was rewarding to get out was so boring that my eyes wanted to close half the time). I've had to learn to do things like fix my dishwasher (from the part that's …