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The anger part. It's here today, I guess

I’ve always been scared of anger.
Never sure what to do with it...and thought of it as kind of a wasted emotion....

But it’s here.


Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have any because we are amicable and because he’s been helping take care of me and get started back on my feet again.

But I am so angry right now that my chest feels so tight that it might just explode.

He lied to me for months. He told me everything was going to be OK. He told me that he loves me because of who I am. He told me that we were going to be OK and that we were OK.

Is it crazy that even now I have to stop and tell you that he’s not a bad person? Far from it, in fact. For me to express my anger, I need to tell you that he’s a good man. That all of this is do illogical.

But I am so angry.

He gets to come home every night to the dogs, to his familiar surroundings, to everything that he knows. His home. No longer ours.

I come home to my cousin's house, my cousin’s dogs, and every night I sleep in the basement. The bed i…

That piece of me...

I've been married once before...so shouldn't I kind of know how to handle this heartbreak thing? This relocating to Alberta? It should seem somewhat familiar...right?

No. Everything but familiar. Yesterday night, while I was feeling sick as a dog, I decided I needed a slurpee. And, since I can't find one glove, I needed gloves. I think I was gone for an hour and a half, I came back with gloves and a bottle of Coke. I never found the gas station selling slurpees...and I don't know what I did for that hour and a half...

I'm finding this a lot lately...that errands take me so long...that I lose track of time, that I just walk around aimlessly. It's not depression...it's just this...feeling like...I'm missing something. Like, I can't function...without him...and I used to carry him around in my heart.

Even when we weren't physically together, him at work, me studying at the library, I felt him with me. We were together. I remember my ex-husband descr…

Learning How To Lose You

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First, I have to clarify, in my previous post - my ex didn't tell me to get over it, he told me, in so many words, to get it together. I call him...at times when I'm not ok...and when we have conversations, I'm not exactly...well, my conversation path doesn't always make sense. I'm not sure if that's any better, but I'm not doing so well keeping it together when we are in contact. Why? I'm confused everything...
I'm worried about money, life, a job, where I'll live post-vacation, what I'll do, money, finances, money, money, money, money.........................
My condo might be empty for a month or two - I might be living in it until it's rented, but that also means no rental income... My car payments are high (which was fine when I was working...and the used mini-SUV kinda saved my butt about a hundred times in the winter). I am receiving a generous, "Sorry I broke your heart" stipend, but I still panic...mainly in part becau…

Yesterday sucked

I knew that starting over would be difficult....but I didn't know that finding a place would cause such emotion....I didn't know that the Edmonton job market would be so difficult, and I didn't know that the expatriate job market process would be so confusing.

I don't think I'm ready for an expatriate job....(I had one kind of on the back burner, but I never felt safe...and I didn't have a good feeling about it...at all....).

Yesterday I spent most of the day in tears....and commiserating by myself, feeling so sorry for myself...

My ex is providing me with financial support...but I'm terrified to spend any...because I don't know how long it will take to find a job...I don't know how much the job will pay, and I will also have to buy things like a couch, chairs, etc... I had a cute, perfect little home before we moved in together, and now...I have to do it all over again, and I'm sorry, dear reader if it sounds like I'm a spoiled rich girl co…

Sometimes I just overreact and lose my shit

I did that from sunup to sundown today.

I have a place to stay.

I'll figure out a place to live when I get back from my three week long trip. I'll be camping. I was totally convinced that I needed it, until my ex told me that I should take care of my stuff in Alberta. Then I felt guilt. Regret for doing something so luxurious (although the trip is soooooooooo non-luxurious), and now I'm panicking....

I have a place to stay.

I'm taking a trip.

My life has no structure.

I'll deal with it.

Next stop....ma cuzin's house

I spent my first two weeks here at one of my closest friend's house. I really like his wife and he also has two kids - two and four. Cleaning, laundry, and organizing was my therapy, but after two weeks, my mind needed some quiet.

I came here yesterday, but am already feeling my welcome well be short lived. We are talking what will happen on Sunday, if I will have the option to extend or not...so now...I have to decide what to do. Of course I could head to my grandma's, my aunt's, or back to the house with the kids...but I had hoped to spend a couple of weeks here...with my cousin and the dogs...and I'm sure that I'm just being sensitive right now...

I just need somewhere to land...until I take my plane...onto my trip.

I feel thrown away....

I know most certainly I’ll feel better, happier, settled and build a life for myself.

In theory, that my heart and soul and being will heal...but I just can’t ever imagine it. This is different from my divorce. Different from any pain or breakup I’ve ever had.

I’ve been told I’m doing better than anyone would have ever thought...but I can’t process....that my...Prince Charming....my best friend...my forever, became a person that I don’t know, that I still don’t know, and he told me it was over three weeks and one day ago, packed a bag, and went to stay with his parents’, with me having to convince him to keep all three dogs home instead of putting them in a kennel.

His mind had been made up over the course of 2 or 3 months, I’m still confused. And he wants to support me, and hopes to remain dear friends, and help me financially until I’m settled (I’m beyond appreciative because the common law rule does not apply in Quebec and he’s being very generous...).

But he feels his life is now…