Posts

The blues.

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I'm looking out the window and everything seems like it should be fine. It's a nice, sunny day...but my brain and body are tired and worn down. Looking back at the posts when I first moved to Madagascar, it seems like I have some of the same patterns. They resemble something similar to that of a volatile stock chart:
Some weeks are perfect, flying by, getting tons accomplished, and then there are some weeks where I feel like it's difficult to do anything... My house feels messy no matter how often I'm picking up after myself, I'm breaking off plans, and I just can't seem to feel the real me. But since I'm me...I guess this is the real me. 
When I look back on my year-to-date...so much has happened: January: Life changing, heart-crushing, devastating heartbreak. I've survived heartbreak before, but this was...well this was earth shattering. Not only was it heartbreak, my whole life changed. Everything that I thought was real wasn't and up and down an…

Ahhhhh, let's here it for the weekends!

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Life has been busier than I can keep up with these days lately. I'm not complaining AT ALL, I'm just struggling to fit everything in. My once effective list making technique isn't working so well...instead there are random pieces of paper around the house that I'm trying to keep up with. No, still no job, BUT, I'm finally get out of the house for things that don't revolve around the condo, errands, and the the adulting and 'To-Do" lists. I'm getting out and having fun, which is great because, although I haven't had a life filled just with tears since moving here...I haven't had that kind of fun where I actually LOL.

Last weekend I met with a random crew ranging from...well, I don't know how to describe it but sort of stick-up-her-ass (in a less judgmental way) ranging all the way to the hippy type taking acid and mushrooms.

Side note: I had no idea acid actually existed anymore...in my mind it went out in the 70s and now the Alberta mus…

The jungle of jungles

There were a few weeks that I should have taken the time to write about my online dating experiences. Perhaps...if I was truly ready to move on, if my heart was truly healed and I was ready to settle down (I'm not sure this is a feeling that ever happens...I think...from past experience, one just ends up meeting the right person...and at this point, I'm not feeling all that hopeful), I would find this truly frustrating. But for now, it can be, well, frustrating, but in the most hilarious sense.

A few weeks ago, I met up with John. Yes, this is a fake name. There was something missing during our date...and...his hello and goodbye lacked a lot of enthusiasm. So, I texted him later that night that it was nice meeting him, but that based on his body language, I got the feeling that I wasn't his type, and we didn't have to dance around the issue. Oh, but no! Quite the opposite, he told me. He found me easy to talk to, beautiful, smart, etc, etc, etc. His mom and sister were…

Mourning on the run

I don't write as often as I should. At different times writing here has served different purposes. When I lived in a far off world, foreign to most, it was a way to share my new normal with my friends and family. When I was stressed and couldn't figure out who to talk to about adjusting to the foreign place, it was a place to vent. It was a way to document my travels around the world. But more often, it was like having a coffee with a friend that just sat and listened and didn't offer their unwanted opinion. A friend that just sat and listened. Also, it was a way to document the present, so that I could go back and read what was going on a year ago, or a few months ago, and see how much my life has changed or how much I've evolved. And when things were really bad and I felt like I was just barely treading water, I could look back to those posts and see that I made it, and it would give me the courage to keep swimming harder with faster strokes when I needed to. Althoug…

Good with the Hard

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It's been circling in my head and I haven't wanted to acknowledge it. I haven't wanted to let it be there. I haven't wanted to write about it, but I don't think there are many that read this thing anymore, and I don't know where else to put it.

Yesterday was one of the most emotional days that I have had in a very, very, very long time. First off, I was reunited with this beast.

My ex flew her from Montreal to Edmonton and flew back in the same day. I talked about doing the same, but with the time change, it wasn't possible. She was an angel on the flight (after a little sedative) and when she saw me, well, it was magic. 
I had asked a friend to drive me to the airport and to drive me home because I didn't know how well I would react to seeing my ex. It's been six months...but...I just didn't know. Also, I wasn't sure how Maggie would respond to the sedative, and since I'm not the greatest driver to begin with, I thought it would be a go…

Cheaper than Therapy

About a month ago, I came hours early to my physio appointment to write. I wanted to write about what's been going on. I have a project going on the back burner, about my the highs and lows of mental health, and the struggles that people face and the mountains that have to be climbed in our society and the different parts that I've had to deal with, but I forgot my headphones. I crossed the street to pick up a pair and this business that I've passed quite a few times called the Float House caught my eye, so I thought I'd go in and see what it was all about.

It's basically a tank of water, so big that I can stand up in it, and so wide that I can do a starfish and not touch any end of it, filled with Epsom salts to a certain capacity, so that no matter how heavy one is, you float. There is no light, no sound, no stimulation, and the end goal is to be completely sensory free. To just be.

I'm big into guided meditations to help me relax, but with me running around …

Strength

I haven't written in so long and it's been calling me. I've started a blog post here and there and I've written a few about my trip, and I have to, this last trip was pivotal in my journey to becoming an Albertan and my journey to getting over heartbreak and just moving on...and accepting that after ten years, things change, and after ten years, things just don't go back to the way that they used to be.

Before my trip, I was a mess. I was exhausted - physically, emotionally, and mentally. I didn't realize it, but having a circle of people around you for support, and knowing that they are nearby can make a huge difference in getting through a big life change. I went to Africa, knowing that I needed to go back to my roots (yep, they are my roots) and learn to be appreciative for the small things and learn to know that joy will come back into my life again, and I wouldn't be...functionning the the level that I am now, without that trip. Apart from the many, ma…