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Who knew?

I would have never imagined that I would be so open with my mental health journey. For most of my life, it was a secret that I dare not tell anyone.Then, when I came back from Madagascar and was trying to adapt to all things new but weren't...I had to open up to my family and friends because I couldn't hide it anymore and I was going through hell trying to find ANY appropriate medical treatment.Depression, anxiety, ADHD, it's all very frustrating. It's frustrating because YOUR MIND is sending you the wrong messages. Medication is an option, but the most effective treatment is some type of cognitive therapy so that you can recognize when your mind is sending you the wrong messages. But it's a life-long learning process. As your circumstances change, you need to adapt your self-care and routines.What's also very frustrating is the stigma surrounding mental health. It is not a mental disability, it should be treated as a physical disability. If I had epilepsy - wh…
I really don't think I'm doing okay lately. But I have to remind myself....is anyone doing ok? I think I handled my move and unemployment relatively well. Add in the quarantine and waiting for this damn job interview, a medication change, and 2+ months of not sleeping great....should I be doing great?
I've been pushing myself hard to attend as many hot yoga classes as I can...but maybe that's not helping with my energy levels? It's hard...and I'm all in as my pass expires at the end of this month...but maybe it's wearing me out too much. Some days walking the dog is tough. Some days leaving the house is tough.
I recently read something that said, "For people with depression, it's all consuming and there are no small victories". I think that's true and I have to start recognizing that it's a victory getting out of bed. It's a victory when I have a shower. It's a victory when I walk the dog. It's a victory when I get enough fo…

The next 8 days

I don't write often because I feel like I have nothing to write...but I should be writing every day.
I don't often realize how debilitating depression/anxiety/ADHD can be until they're all holding hands together in a circle, merrily singing, "Ring around the Rosie"....
It feels like everything has been so incredibly intense lately. Medication changes, behavioral changes, progress in...trying to maintain a healthy mind and body... These are all steps of growth, but they feel nightmarish at times. The good days are more often, but it sometimes means that the bad days feel all the more difficult. Before, a good day would happen occasionally...so I was used to the bad days. Now, there are (usually) more good days that I've begun to see the bad days as failures. Which certainly doesn't help my healing process. 
I realize (with the help of a dear friend), that all this time, I've been taking life as an exam. There are things that I do that are RIGHT and there …

Meditate in your safe place

I don't want to write about the VIRUS, but I have to for a bit. I try to avoid posting or sharing VIRUS related issues, because, even though it's very important that we all stay informed, our brains are inundated with this subject in every single aspect of our lives. (Unless you are living as a monk in a monastery...but even then I would think there would be extra protocols taken).

I had been ignoring some very clear, very red flag reactions that I was having.

When the pandemic started, I was in isolation because I had returned from Mexico. A month later, I found myself with all of the VIRUS symptoms and spent 9 days in isolation until I was tested and confirmed to be negative. When I went out into the world to do my grocery shopping and necessary errands, I would return to my house in a complete state of panic. I was scared I was breaking rules, I was scared I was shopping at two stores when I should have just paid more and shopped at just one store...or had myself better orga…
And just like that, June could be off to a better start. Last night was the first night that I slept soundly (or more soundly than before). I also ended things with a guy that I was on the fence about. It had been weighing me down for a couple of weeks...our definitions of how to be supportive of the other person were vastly different...and I didn't want to do that dance anymore. Maybe my June 2020 conviction helped me push that process a bit faster?

JUNE 2020

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Life seems to have blown past me for the last few (or more) months. Pre-virus, my life was too eventful. It left my brain scrambled and confused, my body tired and beat up (figuratively), and my psyche...in shambles.

Post-virus, my brain is significantly less scrambled and confused, my body is less tired (but a little beat up as I rolled my ankle and can't run for awhile), and my psyche is in a constant state of flux.

The world as it stands today is overwhelming, scary, confusing, and to me...feels like it's in shambles. And on that very same note, there is so much beauty in the world every day. People are starting to speak to one another again. Neighbors have become neighbors and not strangers. Pollution levels are lower and the nature is shining through.

For the last two weeks, my anxiety has been incredibly high. Phone calls crying to a friend or family member, medication on some days, meditation, examining my though processes and trying to find joyful things in my life hav…

The planning and laughing.

Everything seems so very simple at this moment. I am listening to Andrea Bocelli sing Ave Maria in Milan.

I know all of the words. I do not sing along. 

Millions of people around the world tuned in live to watch this man sing in a church in an effort to feel part of something together, while we are all distanced from one another.

I can't count the number of times that I sang this song as second soprano in the Knights Of Columbus All Girls Choir, while our Choir Director, a tiny little lady with an odd shape of a haircut would jump up and down, sometimes yelling,  sometimes hitting her stick so hard on her music stand that I don't know how either didn't break, practicing sections of each part of the song, over, and over, and over again. (I remember one time she made us say, "I am not a fat cow" because we were singing like fat cows, however the fat cows sing).

Andrea probably didn't have to practice as much as we did, a group of 25 or teen girls.

I can't r…