Getting my groove back

Despite any inner...turmoil (aka overthinking) in my last post, I have to say that almost every morning I wake up with a very full heart.

I haven't officially moved (but will be shortly), but basically, I'm living the lake life. It's in a house, filled with noise (the dogs), love (A and me and the dogs), and just....a kind of peace that I hadn't yet found.

I've never been a city girl, yet somehow I made Montreal my home and it ended up feeling quite small...but I love walking up to the birds chirping, the dogs singing their good morning love song (aka either crying or howling for some love/attention/food), eating breakfast either looking out at the backyard, or as of this weekend, sitting in an outdoor recliner watching the dogs chase squirrels, bark, or chase each other.

And once they run around in the morning, it's nap time until the afternoon.

Then as the day progresses, my head starts to fill itself of everything that I'm not getting done, how I'm not being productive enough, and that I need to start doing more... and that's when the bad day sets in.

So, here I am, not even 9h00 yet, on my computer, ready to study (I'm studying for a set of three professional exams....the first exam fail rate is it's tough). I don't want to create a strict routine, but I need a little bit of one to get me motivated in the morning so that my extra breaks and time to myself don't take up the entire day.

While I'm not working, I want to stay fit, continue my progress in learning to love the person I am (it sounds funny, but it's not always easy), and to study. Oh, and move in my girl stuff into a house full of boy stuff, and let myself have some fun time too.

The gift of being with the one

“Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata
I found that quote from this article and I felt like it could have easily be written by me. It's not to say that I don't find myself around giving and generous people, most cases, I would rather give than receive in my areas and aspects of my life. What isn't so easy, is to accept the kindness of others.

Since I have been with A, he has been incredibly generous. I don't just mean with material things, but with his time, patience, and constant love. CONSTANT love. No matter what. His family has been the same. Just one quick example: Last week I had a dentist appointment (and they give me drugs because nothing scares me more than dentists) and I needed a ride. A is nearing the end of a huge project, and taking a few hours off in the middle of a weekday was super tough. So, his dad offered to take me. He drove 1.5 hrs to pick me up, dropped me off at the dentist, waited for me in the dentist's office, and then drove about an hour to drive me home. He spoke the entire time about his life, his family, and his experiences. When I told A that, he was shocked. A couldn't believe that he had opened up so much and thought it was a great sign. His dad loved me. I can tell you that it was an overwhelming to receive his gift...of time and love. 

Now I'm living with A, and the constant amount of giving is never ending. I don't think twice about mowing the lawn when I know he's crazy busy and I don't think twice about spending my time or energy... to contribute to the well being of our house/couple/ fact, I get off on it.

But when it comes to accepting his giving nature. I fight it. I protest it. I'm not used to receiving all And it's not even presented as help, it's presented as being the other half a couple. There are areas in which he has more to give. Right now, I'm not working, so my budget is pretty tight. He - makes a decent salary - which disposable income, so he wants to make sure that I'm taken care of and don't in-debt myself while I'm job hunting and finishing my exams. 

It all sounds reasonable right? We are a partnership? But, it left me in tears, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'm taking advantage of his generosity. Most definitely, if the situations were reversed, I would insist for the same arrangement, but I'm still having a hard time accepting his kindness. In this area and in others. I'm touched when he makes me a hot chocolate and brings it upstairs for no reason. I'm flattered when he buys me this particular drink I like and brings it home...he remembers what I like and wants to make me happy.

I do the same for why is it so accept it back, without feeling like I'm being a burden? The article describes it perfectly...

Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.
The hassle... I don't want to put him through the's the joys of being in a healthy relationship...for better or worse.

The difficulty of trying to relax.

This morning I decided I was going to have a "sick day". I've kind of been running around in circles since last Friday, doing my best to relax, but then doing laundry, vacuuming, organizing, running random errands, etc...

Today, after running a couple of errands, I'm calling in sick. I'm laying in bed, watching a movie, possibly eating some chocolate, and giving up on adulting.

The boyfriend has been trying to convince me to do this since last Friday...but it just Like I should be pounding the pavement, calling all contacts, making a list of everything that needs done and get it all finished ASAP.

So today, after stopping at the grocery store, and chatting with a ninety-five (and a half!) year old, who walks every day with her morning mall-walk group and still drives herself, I decided that yep, I'm going to have a day where I just relax. And go for a walk later on.

But first, we needed a coffee, and Mags needs a little break from the other two, so we went and had an iced coffee on the patio.

Maggie doesn't need an excuse to chill, so I'll try to copy her and relax in the sun, or in the bed, or on the couch for the rest of the day.

The odd celebrations of our life

Some celebrating happened on Friday and Saturday night (both nights with steak...guess I needed me some red meat!).

(Also, side note, the meal below is from Good Foods. Click on this link to find out more about it. It's amazing, affordable, and makes you look all fancy).

The first huge celebration, is that little Maggie, is doing just fine. I didn't write about it, but two weeks ago, she was hit by a car.

I know. It was terrifying. I'm not all together sure how it happened (other than a car hit her), but I found her on the road, eyes closed, bleeding from the mouth. I gently picked her up, started talking calmly to her, and then the lady that hit her drove me to the vet hospital. She was able to understand her words (like treat, walk, squirrel, etc), but she couldn't open her eyes and she was still bleeding a bit. I was grateful that I would have these last few moments with Maggie, since she was alert, and then I gave her to the vet, and she brought me Maggie thirty minutes later and Maggie was licking my face (since I was sobbing), and the vet told me she had an eye injury and had bit her tongue.

This tiny little creature somehow got hit by a car, and she walks away with an eye and tongue injury. Miracles happen every day. She had to stay for observation and more tests, but she left with a clean bill of health. She's not 100% herself yet, but she is well enough to stand her own ground with Ashby's dogs.
The fact that these dogs are in such close range to each other is another miracle....They can now be left on the same floor of the house (as long as we are home) and seem to interact together in a safe and healthy way - although at one time or another one of them gets jealous and kind of becomes an asshole. :)

And lastly, we are dismissal at work. For a year or so, I have been trying to weave my way through a chaotic and sometimes toxic work environment. I wanted to find a new job before leaving, but the choice was made for me, and although I can't say it's a super comforting feeling at the moment, it was truly affecting my mental and physical health....and now I have time to look for the right job - not just the right job for right now.

Ashby has been there for so many ways, and I'm happy he's here to support me. I've had a lot of ups and downs since Friday morning....but I can't believe I've met someone so caring, strong, kind, generous and just all around wonderful. Our love, our laughter, and how we have incorporated our lives together in such a short a very wonderful thing worth celebrating.

I might not have a job.  I might not know what will happen tomorrow. However, I know I am loved, I know I am safe, and I know that better things are around the corner. I panic every here and there...not knowing the future...but as long as I have this guy by my side, life is still pretty wonderful.

Ride with me

Lately...I’ve had a few…well, ok, more than a few moments. Many moments. Where I ask myself, Is this really my life? Is this…what real happiness feels like? 

With all the changes in my life the last few years (plus struggling with my depression), I have had happy moments, happy days, happy weeks. I think that I laugh regularly.

And maybe looking back something felt missing…but I didn’t truly realize it. I felt alone….a lot. But…I was also..kind of used to it.

Now…I feel like I’m on the fourth day of a really great vacation that just blows your mind and you think to yourself…Wow, how did I get here?

My life is far from perfect. I have family, finance, work, and other life concerns/worries… and I’m scared to say it out loud. But I am. So. Happy.

I met this man…who is so wonderful….in so many ways… and I think…was all this hard work leading up to this? If so…it was worth it. 
Yep, we’ve only been together for two months. Two short months. But two months where everything just…feels different.

I have gone and seen my shrink twice to…discuss if I’m having some kind of mental illness symptom or something…because I was in disbelief that…I could really be this happy….and it could be this easy…and that I could experience true happiness.

I still cry. I still have bad days. I am not in some euphoric state. 

But I sleep well (finally. I think I’ve been having trouble sleeping for two or more years).
I feel well in my skin (or as well as I can right now).
I wake up most mornings and go downstairs to a wonderful man, with the best smile that I’ve ever seen… (we are not living together….but Maggie and I spend a lot of time there). 

I have so many moments…where I look over at him, or I’m sitting in a quiet area, or when I’m driving in my car…and I think…whatever did I do to deserve this happiness? 

I did a lot.
I fought when I was too tired to fight.
I kept going when I was at my weakest.
I walked in faith when I had none. 

And just when I want to overthink things, or doubt the reality of the situation….he plays this song for me. 

Stay tuned. 

La la la la la la loooove

I was prepared to write this long post, about relationships, love, and whatever, but…I’ll keep it simple.

Time will tell, but it’s highly probable….that I have met my match.

The perfect mixture of funny but serious, witty, smart, goofy, gazillion-dollar smile, kind, thoughtful, handsome, TALLER THAN ME…I could go on and on…

And on. And on.

And yes, its early. And yes, things are moving quickly. But…as I’ve heard…sometimes when you know…you just know.

I’m hesitant to put it out there…that I “just know”. But…this relationship feels like…nothing else I’ve experienced.

I’ve met his family. I’m hoping to bring him to meet my family in the summer.

Too fast? Maybe. Rushing? Nope. I’ve been enjoying every minute with this match man.

Risky Business

As I may have written, when I visited Alberta at the end of last year, I really had a lot of time to think. I decided that 2018 would not be a year like the last few. I would not fight so hard to win the battles that didn’t matter. I would accept what/who/where I am and make changes along the way, without being so harsh on myself. I also decided that I would go for full out love and partnership -  and if I didn’t get it, I wasn’t going to waste my time with someone that wasn’t prepared to offer it.

In fact….I knew that the person I was with was unable to offer what I needed….for quite some time now… I was…effectively morning the relationship before it had ended. Not the best sign….but sometimes you just do what you can do.

Not too long ago, I ended the relationship. I thought it would be harder than it was….but the situations as they were….it was a relief. At least if I was at home feeling lonely – it was on my terms. The relationship….had disintegrated beyond recognition, and neither him or I could carry the weight. I wish I could say we have stayed in close contact, that we will stay friends, but right now, I don’t know. I am only one in the breakup and I can only control how I deal with my side of things.

For one reason or another, this guy at work and I had been chatting a bit over the last few months (exclusively about our dogs!) and he seemed interesting enough, but I didn’t really know a lot about him. Actually, I knew a lot about his dogs but little else. One day, after I felt like there was some weird tension between us, he ended up walking out at the same time as me as we left work, and he asked me for coffee. I was SHOCKED, I had no….idea…I wasn’t thinking about dating and thought that I would be single for a long time…since I was setting the bar pretty high.

Coffee somehow got turned into brunch (I even got up early on a Sunday to meet him) and brunch turned into a three hour meal. His personality surprised me, it was refreshing…almost as if I was talking with someone that grew up in my hometown or something. We made tentative plans for another time….and then the sparks continued to develop and fly like crazy. We had a meal out during the week (where I was so nervous all I could choke down was some soup), then we had a big Saturday night date where we both dressed up and smelled pretty and then went to see a light show in a basilica.

While we were waiting for the light show to start, I started to think how I would have bought myself tickets to the light show regardless if he was there or not (I’m used to doing things alone by now), but that….it felt so much more….complete sitting next to this big handsome guy with the best smile ever, with his arm around me….and then something clicked.

I have been limiting myself….in so many areas of my life. While I can’t change everything all at once…I can change what is right in front of me (or sitting beside me, with his arm around me, smelling so fantastic). I was just going to go for it. Everything feels fast but natural. Instead of coming up with some rule book of what should take place after x dates or x weeks or x months….I’m following my heart. Which I don’t think that I’ve ever done. I’ve always….been guarded, felt like I had to build walls around me….but this time it’s different.

We have since spent quite a bit of time together….and everything feels…meant to be. Not used to hearing me write/talk like this? ME NEITHER. I don’t just take these risks. I don’t just put myself out there. But…this time?

This time…I’m fully smitten. I don’t know if it’s “smart” or “cautious” or whatever….but I don’t care. I’m ready to see where this path takes me….and if I feel like I’m willing to risk it all.