Final Night On the Ship
Tonight we were talking how things are different for me. My grandparents observe a quieter, more cautious me. This could be in part due to jetlag and sea sickness, but I notice a difference in myself in these types of situations too. Sometimes I think I've adjusted too much to life in the jungle, and then when I'm out of it, I sit back and observe more and participate less. I'm not saying this is a good or a bad thing. But, I kinda feel like...the clichéd "fish out of water". No, I haven't been to Hawaii before, but I see the same behaviour in myself when I'm in familiar situations in Canada. I observe more and I don't entirely know how to act. It's a hard thing to describe. One can say, just act naturally. Well, my naturally is a lot different than it used to be.
August 2009 to August 2010, my naturally was a weird mix of happy-go-lucky, homesick, and party girl. It was in August that I realized...I'm not at summer camp and my lifestyle of having a couple (or more) glasses of wine nearly every night was not a sustainable (or desirable) way of living. August 2010 to August 2011, I went the complete opposite direction. Less social, less homesick, and FAR less partying. Later in the winter (or North American's summer) I started to make more attemps to forcing myself to be more social and have a life other than work, eat, run, and sleep. But I'm still not quite where I'd like to be. I'm still more in the observing-trying-to-figure-things-out mode. Life was totally different when I knew I'd be away for two years and then come back to "normal" life. Now that I'm in "undetermined amount of time" expat mode, I'm still trying to figure it all out.
So throw me in a scenario with a bunch of North American people, acting like "normal", and I still don't quite know how to fit in at times. When people say, Where are you from? I kind of trip over my words, and I still don't have a good answer. The technical answer is...I'm a Canadian Citizen but my Country of Residence is Madagascar. So sometimes I answer I've come from Madagascar, but other times I just say Canada because I don't feel like having to talk about it and explain what/where is Madagascar and no, we do not have singing zebras or whatever. I have no idea of what I'm saying makes sense. Sometimes I just get confused between both....worlds.
But, in the short term, none of this all matters, because tomorrow I'm getting off the ship in Honolulu and spending seven nights in Waikiki with Louis! Bring on the beach, un-sea sickness, happy hour, Starbucks, and the most kick-ass hotel in Waikiki.