So today, with all of my three or four hours of broken sleep, I thought it was a marvelous idea to go and 'catch up' with what I've been ignoring. Wow, what a crappy idea that was.
Seeing pictures of him....taken a year or two ago, where he is healthy and smiling; reading his grieving wife's thoughts as she remains stronger than I could have ever imagined....have me a crying mess.
I can't understand death. I forget that I'm not supposed to understand it. And I forget that it's okay that people I love and care about are suffering. It's not what I want, but they will be okay. One day. And that his memory will live on, and if he was sitting next to anyone, the absolute worst thing that he would not want was for me to be crying and snotting into my pillow. But.it's.so.heartbreaking.
I know this will be a process. I worry about the first time I see Louis - that I'll cry. I really worry the first time I go back to Edmonton to see Kelly's brother. I have to be the strong one, I can't be the one that he's consoling. But it's just so sad.
I know it won't always be so sad. I know that his family will somehow get through this, though I can't imagine how. I know that this happens every day and everyone learns to cope.
But for tonight...I'm sad. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll take another shot and remembering the good times, being mindful that he is in a better place and not suffering, and continue to think positively.
I heard this quote recently and I need to keep it in mind.
Positive thinking doesn't mean that you keep your head in the sand and ignore life's less pleasant situations. Positive thinking just means that you approach the unpleasantness in a more positive and productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the worst.
And with that....goodnight.
(Family -- I'll be fine. You know I cry all the time and make it through it. Don't worry, it's just a rough night. x)