Throw in the towel

There are times where I'm ready to throw in the expat towel. Throw away the job that I (now) love, the connections that I've made, the goals that I have, just throw it away.

Because in the end, it's just a job.

But it's hard to think of it as "just a job" when it seems life consuming for six weeks at a time. And while I've been like so incredibly fortunate and grateful for the experiences that it's given me, there are times where I feel guilty or wonder if these experiences were really worth it.

I've travelled the world, I've grown as a person (um...literally at the moment since I'm trying to lose weight! :D), but I've missed so many birthdays and holidays and times with my family and friends.

While Christmas Take 2 in Edmonton was amazing, and I left feeling comforted by the time I spent with my family, it's also bittersweet.

When I was in Canada, I had a few different groups of friends. I saw them multiple times a week, once a week, every few months, or sometimes less than once a year. But we stayed in contact and we still had a relationship. That's no longer the case. Most relationships have disintegrated. The friends that I've lost in no way should overshadow my gratitude for the friends that I've kept, but sometimes, it just sucks.

And then onto my family. In some ways I'm almost closer with some of my family members that I was when I lived in Canada. While I certainly don't call as often as I should, the emails back and forth have sometimes become almost like the letters that people used to write in the olden days. Updates on life, thoughts, feelings, not just random chit chat (which I still get plenty of thanks to Facebook, etc!). And I've made an entirely new group of friends. Who relate to this weirdo lifestyle and go through the same feelings I'm talking about right now.

And then like today, when I feel so helpless. My grandpa has been doing so good and was able to enter a rehabilitation facility where he'll be getting the treatment that he needs. But last night he had a setback and is back in the hospital. From all of the reports that I've been given (and I'm so happy to be getting lots!), he's doing okay. But it's another event that I'm no there for. What could I do if I was there? Not much. But at least I'd feel helpless with the rest of my family. I've considered going back to Edmonton....and then reconsidered....and then reconsidered again....and then I decided to stay here for the time being. He's okay. He's in a great area of the hospital and he has my grandma and the rest of my family there. But days like this, I want to throw in the towel. I want to move back to Edmonton, go back to my normal world. I know that it would never work like that and I wouldn't be happy if I just gave in. Right now I just want to be with every single person I love all in the same place.

This expat thing is pretty amazing, but sometimes being away from my "old" life...can get to me. Good thing tomorrow's a new day.

1 comment:

  1. Nicole your feelings are understandable. Life takes us in many directions some good, some not so good.
    The experiences enrich our lives if we let them to help make us a well-rounded person. A person, like yourself that acquaintances,friends or family are fortunate to have you in their lives, regardless of where you live that IS just logistics.
    Your heart is pure and your love it true.
    YOU, have enriched lives with being YOU.
    so hold onto the towel for now,
    love, mom