Just NB

Alright, I think it's time for dial-a-shrink time (Have I ever written about Dial-a-shrink? If I haven't, it's certainly something I have to write about in the future), because my brain isn't in alignment with reality.

A week ago, two weeks ago, five months ago....I was in essence contractor. I had a contract with an expiry date. Depending on the project's needs and requirements, my contract would be amended as required. I AM STILL A CONTRACTOR.

So the fact that there was a time change in my plans - rather than having a contract for 8 months, it's now 8 weeks....isn't the end of the world, because I've been planning for this.

Sure, it means an adjustment for Louis and I that I'm not comfortable with. From the day that I leave to the day that his contract ends, it's just under 11 months. 11 months. Couples do this ALL THE FREAKING TIME and manage. We're not going to be able to manage if I don't change my attitude. All the Skype calls and…

I'm a freaking rollercoaster of emotions. I'm up and down....several times an day hour. And during my ups and downs, I'm distracted.

First, I check out the latest employment recruiting websites....scanning to see if there's my perfect job. I won't be able to begin work until sometime mid-June.

It's not even March.

The news about my contract end date was made one week and two days ago.

I do not need to find a job TODAY, or TOMORROW, or NEXT MONTH.

I can't seem to get that through my head.

I've been an unproductive mess at work since.

To "cheer" me up, I start making arrangements for my BIG TRIP, leaving Madagascar arriving in Canada nearly 7 weeks later. SEVEN WEEKS OF HOLIDAYS? I've never done that before. I'm stressed about that? This is a huge incredible blessing. (Check out "47 Day Vacation" page for more info).

I'm meeting up with people I know and don't know along the way, so I won't have time to be lone…

I just came back from a nice afternoon lunch with a fellow expatriate and his wife. They are leaving Madagascar on Thursday, and I missed their going away party, and they were nice enough to suggest that we go for lunch. It's a shame that Louis missed it, but I enjoyed it none the less.

The view from the restaurant always amazes me.


While they offered me support and encouragement, I never felt "adviced" from them, or was never once told, "Don't worry about it". (Like, if I could not worry about it, I'd be doing it already). It was nice to chat with them about my next adventure (whatever it may be), but also nice to hear some of their experiences. It also wasn't two hours of shop-talk, it was just a random lunch. It's a shame that we didn't do it more often.

Days like today and nights like last night (I have a major headache but danced up a storm!) make me feel so incredibly happy that I came here and did this crazy expat gig. And even happi…

I got it. The perfect answer.

I'll just say, It's really complicated right now because I'm pregnant...and we don't know if Louis is the father yet....

I just left a party in tears.

(I know, you're shocked).

I've been overdoing it on the job hunting (serious mistake) and I left work super worried and just not feeling like I wanted to go. But I had a ridiculously card that looked like it was made by a three year old...and I at least wanted to stop by. Sometimes when I don't feel like going somewhere, I'll just show up and randomly notice three hours later that I'm having a great time.

I show up and the first words I hear from a ridiculously stupid man - that I am no more than acquaintances with are: So I heard you got your walking papers!!!

Why he's stupid and not a jerk, is because he meant no offense. He's that stupid that he doesn't know that probably isn't a good idea to say to a girl...a week after she "got her walking papers". I went into the explanation of it all, with all the details....and...urgh.

Then, I got a few kind faces, with their concerned frowns, asking what happened an…

Yeah, these daily emotions that seem to take over me really rock. It’s all good when there feel-good ones.. less good when they’re the shit ones.
Wednesday night. It hit me. Like it always does when I’m in a bad place. I’m stressed. Everyone has stress…but when I get too much bad stress, it’s likely that I’ll get a pukey migraine.
I got one. Through the waves of sickness and being uncomfortable, I was able to sort of stay calm. Sorta, but not really.
I WON’T HAVE A JOB.
This week I started to look around online for jobs….and haven’t really found anything. I have ten years (I can’t believe I’m old enough to say that) of experience in a specialized field (Risk, Audit, SOX, and Compliance). I thought the audit would be the winner and there would be a gazillion jobs for me to pick from. It’s the easiest role to transition into - an audit file is an audit file….
And while I have a lot of experience, I don’t have a lot of fancy letters after my name. And that worries me. (If I don’t find a job r…

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. Be it in person, in my office, over the phone, via email, Facebook...it's appreciated.

As I start to close off my files, this move feels right. The uncertainty of it all will of course make me have multiple meltdowns from time to time, but this move still feels right.

Sure, I'm an jobless hobo (I just love saying that for some reason), but it's a good move. It's the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally have the time to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard?) and write something resembling a book or e-book. Just for fun.

I love this place. I love these people. I'll miss it.

But I feel more at ease with leaving. This project has been the biggest obstacle and blessing in my life. Bring on the next.

(On an unrelated note....check out this blog post that made my heart melt....The H2O Club: Giving Water, Giving Life.)

As of right now, I have roughly been awake for 650 minutes. Which is just under 11 hours.

I am a bi-polar mess of emotions. I go from a near panic attack to blissful about the future. Back to panic attack. My heart rate is currently at 76 which is quite high for me, but I worked out this afternoon, so I hope that's a factor.

If I had to divide my time this afternoon, it's as follows:
In case you'd like that in pie-chart form, here you go:

The fighting with Louis was short....and mainly had to do with my extreme panic over my lower than expected savings.

A year ago, I had a spreadsheet that could tell you TO THE PENNY how much money I would have in my bank account. I was so proud of that spreadsheet. I don't know why I stopped using it, but I've lost track of the value of money (which is an extremely common Expat trait. We don't get to spend money on like....normal life, so when we're out in the real world, we go crazy. I'm better than I used to. But ob…

Louis and I may have to live in separate countries for 11 months. Thousands of couples do this all the time. It's not the end of the world.

I might not have a job for a short while. This was predicted and planned for, but my time frame changed. It's not the end of the world.

Sometimes I'm going to think that it is. And I think that's okay. As long as the sometimes isn't always. I have to keep telling myself that's it's okay to be upset. I'm not like bawling in my room singing, All By Myself, but there may be some days that it happens. I kinda think that's okay too. Especially if there's singing into a hairbrush involved.

There's another thing that I'm doing for myself that's okay. I'm taking a bit of time off. Off from the real world. Off from any responsibilities (although I'll be applying for jobs the entire time, I'm sure!).

I'm going on a wicked trip.

My last day work day will be April 15th. From April 15th, I&…

Last night Louis and I were talking (we do that from time to time).

Both of us had come to the same conclusion. When our contracts were up (mine, expected to be December 2013; his, March 2014) that we would be ready to move on. Of course a million things could have happened between now and then to change our minds, and we both still love our jobs, but it felt like it was time to think about the next adventure.

This morning, I had a meeting with my (very kind) boss, who told me as a result of budget cuts, my contract end date would be April 15th, 2013 rather than December 31, 2013. Instead of leaving in 8 months, I'd be leaving in 8 weeks (and 3 days).

The whole contract/no contract thing at this point is sounding a little too familiar at this point, hey?

But this time, it's different. This time, it's not because they think I'm the wrong fit for the job (and change their mind 4 weeks later); or because it's time to transition the job to a national (and for me to tr…

HappyValentine'sDayEveryone!!!

Feeling a little sentimental these days....looking back on old posts and pictures.

This Valentine's Day, it's a regular work day...and we actually forgot about it until about an hour or so after waking up. I'm excited because I have something cute to give to Louis.

What's crazier, is that last year we celebrated Valentine's Day in Paris!!!! How is that even possible!? I remember FREEZING and soaking wet a lot of the time. I also remember being happy Louis and I were together on the Hallmark Most Romantic Day of The Year.

It's hard to believe that this was a year ago!

'Cause even though we've had a lot of moments like this:
We've had a ton of moments like this:


Sometimes I think that it's just our marriage that has bumps and ups and downs. Because we're from very different cultures and upbringings and we work weird hours and have a weird lifestyle. At the end of our workday, it's pretty hard to give our relationship the attention that it might need.

Whatever the reason or however we make it work, I can't imagine my life any different right now. I am so incredibly lucky to have my best friend along side me in the jungle. And my best friend is a pretty amazing person.

I had these like weird/unknown expectations for our first anniversary. So yeah, I kind of wished I had a "Celebrating Anniversaries for Dummies" because I don't know what we're supposed to do. Well, I think a normal person would think that they are supposed to do whatever they feel like. A…

I miss blogging but I end up starting writing a post and then it stays in my Drafts folder until I delete it. So I'm copying a good idea of another blog that I read and trying to finish and post all of my drafts.  Like my China trip? I have put up 2 or 3 posts. We did so many cool things and I have draft posts but I never feel like finishing them! I like doing picture posts, so I'm going to try to get back on that!!

Anyway, a few nights ago, I tried to shoot a little video for the blog  to show where I live. The iPhone video quality really impresses me, but my video skills do not. I kept feeling motion sickness every time I watched the video.

But it's something that I'd like to get into. Sure I post pictures of what it looks like here, but videos are so much more descriptive and can really show what it's like. I thought I'd start with our living quarters, then maybe the Tiki Bar, and then some areas in town. The areas in town will be difficult since we are usu…

For three or four years I was a running snob and was like, What's my average pace, What's my gait like, Tuesdays is speed training, Why get out of bed for a run less than 8km, blah blah blah blah. After a half-marathon, I would be tired and un-motivated, but I eventually came around.

Since mid-2009, I've struggled to find a balance between running. I felt guilty for only running 3km (three long, long laps around the camp), and more recently I felt bad for how slow my pace my pre-Madagascar pace (which was also very slow).

Around October, my thoughts on running have become much, much different. Sometimes my running is like...a tranquilizer or anti-depressant. Or sanity-keeper. There are times where I can't go out with friends or I give up something so that I can get in a (very quick) run. The most that I run here is 32-35 minutes. I am certain that I don't cover 5km in that time. I have no idea of the speed (except when I run on an archaic treadmill that sort of tel…

Yesterday morning started out a little rough. Sometimes I have some pretty crazy dreams (I think I always have? Louis tells me I talk sometimes, or move, and occasionally he’s had to wake me up). Yesterday morning I woke up in a panic and my heart was racing. I’m pretty sure it’s dream related, but it’s a crappy way to start the day. On top of it, I was late (AGAIN), and I thought that Louis was mad at me for being late (he wasn’t but I made a big deal of it). Basically, a recipe for tears all before 06h30.
I decided not to join Louis for breakfast since I couldn’t seem to hold in my tears, and the last thing I wanted was someone to see me cry (slightly ironic since I’m now announcing it online). I went to work, cried a bit (while trying not to cry and ruin my mascara. You’d think at this point in time, I would have bought waterproof??). Then when I had calmed down, I called Louis and ended up crying to him for a couple of minutes. I’m sure there’s NOTHING better than a crying wife wh…

I saw that yesterday's forecast included rain, but I was surprised by the mega drop in temperature. Normally it doesn't have that huge of an effect.

After me venting and rambling on about how much I hate this place, the temperature dropped about 10*C. Enough so that I could go for a run OUTSIDE. By the end of my run, I could start to feel the heat, but there was a nice breeze that kept me from feeling like crap. I did have a moderate hangover headache (that I get when I sweat too much and either don't drink enough or don't get enough salt/electrolytes). My run wasn't the funnest thing in the world, which is expected since I was in a completely negative frame of mind, but it helped and I'm feeling quite a bit better today.

Last night I even stopped in at the bar for supper and went Girls-Gone-Wild and had not one but TWO sparkling waters (Ok, I didn't finish my second one....but it's rare that I'll ever have more than one). I had a nice time with fri…

I'm so incredibly frustrated at things here and I hope that it's because of the jet lag. This is my forth day on site, so maybe it's almost over? I don't know. "They" say that it takes one day per hour of time difference, which would mean that I need eight days in total.

There's always been talk about Louis and I getting a "real" place to live in.

I shouldn't complain because things really could be so much worse, but I'm so incredibly sick of where we live.

First, it's dirty. I've asked them not to mop and that I'd mop myself, but that only lasts a day or so. I'll come home to see they've mopped the floor (with dirty water).

I hate the way that our clothes smell. I would kill for a washer and dryer. Life was so much better when I could launder my own clothing.

Also, our place smells funky. Apart from the mop water...I don't mean to be harsh, but many of the housekeeping staff wouldn't have access to clean/…

Both of my wishes came true.



I'm a lot luckier than I realize sometimes.

:)

I'm on day...2 or day 1 of jetlag. I think day 2. It makes me kind of a horrible person. Or at least not a pleasant person to be around because I'm exhausted, I can't form sentences, and I'm ridiculously sensitive, and get annoyed pretty easily.

It's great timing because tomorrow's my birthday. Part of me is torn because I feel like I should do something special to celebrate...but I really just want to relax. And drink an iced coffee. And watch Mad Men with Louis.

The weather here is weird-ish. Sort of cold (25*C?), sometimes a bit windy, sometimes really windy, raining a bit, or sometimes raining a lot. I guess the storm is still passing through.

I had an early flight so I was up sometime in the 4am range (although I'm not complaining because if I didn't have the early flight, I would be flying with Air Madagascar, which I'm not sure I could handle this jetlagged), and it's only 13h10 and I have to stay here at least until 18h00. Or until my he…