Fear (for yesterday), Just Okay (for today).

Yeah, these daily emotions that seem to take over me really rock. It’s all good when there feel-good ones.. less good when they’re the shit ones.

Wednesday night. It hit me. Like it always does when I’m in a bad place. I’m stressed. Everyone has stress…but when I get too much bad stress, it’s likely that I’ll get a pukey migraine.

I got one. Through the waves of sickness and being uncomfortable, I was able to sort of stay calm. Sorta, but not really.


This week I started to look around online for jobs….and haven’t really found anything. I have ten years (I can’t believe I’m old enough to say that) of experience in a specialized field (Risk, Audit, SOX, and Compliance). I thought the audit would be the winner and there would be a gazillion jobs for me to pick from. It’s the easiest role to transition into - an audit file is an audit file….

And while I have a lot of experience, I don’t have a lot of fancy letters after my name. And that worries me. (If I don’t find a job right away, I will be filling my resume gap taking courses…I think from the Project Management Institute).

Compounding the problem, this week Louis is away for work. Last night was the 2nd night that he was away and because he’s travelling, we didn’t get to talk on the phone. Actually, I wasn’t even sure where he was (he’s flying to the Philippians).

And then my mind went all crazy.

Is this what it’s going to be like? Sure at first we’ll email and Skype once a day…but then life will get in the way and we’ll truly be apart and I won’t even know what country he’s in? And one day will turn into two days and the next thing I know we speak once a week and so forth, and so forth….It scares me. (I have to apologize….sometimes I don’t think the best of Louis…and I don't know how to explain it...it’s not him, it’s me. I get wrapped up in the “worst case” thinking sometimes, which isn’t all that fair to either of us).

Next is the job hunting.

I’ve been asked by many friends and family what I’m going to do after this job….and my answer would always be, I don’t know?

One of the options I had hoped to explore was to work in the Toronto office, and commute to Montreal on the weekends. When Louis is away, I’d commute maybe every second weekend, or three weekends out of four. Something like that. It’s a one hour plane ride and Air Canada has a commuter and flight pass system set up. Like I've said before, we haven't had a traditional moment in our life...so why start now?

I had a call with our head office yesterday.  I was looking forward to the call to see what options were out there. Shortly into the discussion, I got the impression that there will be options in Alberta, but not much of a chance in Toronto. (I could be wrong).

While Alberta is where I’m from and where the majority of my family lives, I moved to Quebec December 2011.

I’m not there very often, I don't quite know where everything is, but the new chapter of my life is there. It's not productive for me or the rest of the people in my life if I took a job in Alberta. It feels like I just finished moving my stuff from Alberta to Quebec!

I was…discouraged after the call. I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so easy after all to just slip back into the corporate world. Then I wondered what Louis thought. Did he think I should take any job that’s offered just because it’s a job? He would be the one helping to support me, after all.

Anyway, Louis and I emailed this morning back and forth, and of course he doesn’t want me to take a job just to take a job. I still have to be happy. Which is what any reasonable person would say/do….but yesterday the Fear was not about being reasonable.

And another thing – Louis’ business trip is Louis’ business trip. It doesn’t set precedent for anything else. We don’t even know what things will look like June 1st, when I’m there and he’s here. It’s not rational for me to compare the two (I’m totally growing up!! I figured that one out on my own!!!)

One last ramble before I head back to being productive....

Moving to Madagascar taught me so much about life, myself, and the world in general. I had said for years that if I was rich, I'd go to school forever. I love learning. What I hadn't realized until now, is this next...experience will be another learning opportunity. So I'm getting my "wish" of being in school again. Ok, it's less structured than school, and I have more to lose, but if I can try to remember that this is...an opportunity to learn and live, and to try to enjoy the good parts, I think I'll have less crappy emotion days. 

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there Kiddo and know forsure that you will talk to your husband everyday. Thats just how good marraiges work. I think you need a headhunter to look for jobs for you so you can stop fretting so much. Love Gramxo