Non-Reconciled Brain

Alright, I think it's time for dial-a-shrink time (Have I ever written about Dial-a-shrink? If I haven't, it's certainly something I have to write about in the future), because my brain isn't in alignment with reality.

A week ago, two weeks ago, five months ago....I was in essence contractor. I had a contract with an expiry date. Depending on the project's needs and requirements, my contract would be amended as required. I AM STILL A CONTRACTOR.

So the fact that there was a time change in my plans - rather than having a contract for 8 months, it's now 8 weeks....isn't the end of the world, because I've been planning for this.

Sure, it means an adjustment for Louis and I that I'm not comfortable with. From the day that I leave to the day that his contract ends, it's just under 11 months. 11 months. Couples do this ALL THE FREAKING TIME and manage. We're not going to be able to manage if I don't change my attitude. All the Skype calls and emails can't make up for me not being okay while we are apart. Well, perhaps that's a little harsh. We'll make it, but I need to change my attitude so that we actually enjoy our time in our relationship while we are apart. We don't have to enjoy every single day, but I need to get a handle on it.

While we're apart, I can job search (for a reasonable amount of time), pursue professional courses (helps in not having a CV gap), learn more about the area I live in, do regular classes at the gym (I totally miss being able to do dorky aerobics and spin classes. Heck, maybe I'll even start this Zumba thing [No, I will never start this Zumba thing}).

While we're apart I can rest, get a part-time job (remember how I wanted to work at Starbucks? Maybe I can pursue something career related....it doesn't have to be defined now), or some temp work until we both find something that we like.

Next major worry is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. I thought I had more saved. I don't. However, I figured out and even if I'm somewhat modestly and grocery shop wisely (ie: don't buy a kg of cherries in winter), I'll be able to live for 32 months before my savings are gone. That includes a trip to Edmonton or Vancouver every now and again. Like SERIOUSLY. There is no way I'm going to be out of a job FOR OVER TWO YEARS. Come on now.

Next worry is my 47 day vacation. It's schedule perfectly so that I get my alone time mixed in with friend/family time. But I'm worried that I won't be able to enjoy myself. Or that I won't like it. Or should I really be spending money when I don't have regular income!? (Refer to previous paragraph. I think I'm writing that mainly to myself....)

This is stupid. All of these worries and anxiety about the future are completely and utterly unjustified. Sure, worry a bit about the job front. And sure, prepare myself for a new lifestyle and being away from my husband. But everything is lined up just the way that it needs to be. My brain isn't lined up with reality. I'm scared of the change in...a way that I don't think is nature. 

I want to appreciate life. I want to be less scared of change. It's almost been two weeks, and while I can be upset or be unhappy or be not 100% content about the situation, I can't go on having it bother me THIS much. I won't accept it. I have a Dial-a-Shrink appointment tonight, which I think will help because she always comes up with these exercises for me to do, that aren't like crazy or life altering, that get remove the...insecurities and craziness from my brain.

Whatever happens - this is the next adventure. If I freaking stay in Montreal or go back to Alberta to work for six months....it will all be an adventure. I like having fun. I just need my brain to accept the idea.

1 comment:

  1. That's a very good idea to talk to someone just to talk everything out. Good luck and God Bless. We're a little worried about you and hope your thoughts will smooth themselves out.Love G&G xxoo

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