Anticipation and Anxiety

So today was a little different than yesterday.

I'm kind of freaking out. I didn't sleep well (fairly normal, this happens from time to time, especially in a new environment). I didn't get out of my pjs until noon (normal too, on a Sunday!), and then I took a taxi to the waterfront. The hotel swears that I can walk there, but I can't find it. I just get into a mess of highways and now I just take a taxi for a whopping $3CAD.

The plan was: Cape Canal Tour, eat, finish errands (I forgot a reusable water bottle, and I have a feeling that it's like a huge mega yoga sin to bring a plastic bottle to yoga class) and then take the Hop On Hop Off tour.

Everything went well until the HOHO bus (hey, that's a funny acronym), they didn't have a map. So I wouldn't have a clue where I'd want to get off (that's what he said) until I was right there and I wouldn't have the schedule and something just didn't feel right.

My stomach wasn't great (even though I had picked some a fancy tart and veggie juice!), my eye was pretty good, but I just started to feel...sick. Like a cough or flu or something. Now, I think this means stress. With all of the excitement I have for this week long reflections/yoga/calming down-ness....I'm freaking worried.

Here's why: Go sit in a corner and force yourself to think of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for thirty minutes. Ok, I'll make it easier. Do it for 5 minutes. I don't know about you, but I can't do it. And while most of the days are made up of classes, there is guided meditation every day. And yes, they help you, and you have the option to opt out if you just can't do it. But I'm kind of freaking out because...I have a non-stop mind (it's a serious fault).

So I think I had a little freak out about it, and the confusion about the HOHO bus was just the last straw. (It's funny when we translate these sayings into French...makes zero sense what so ever). I came back to the hotel and have been here ever since. I'm pissed off at myself. I believe I've made myself sick/not feeling well.

This is where the whole "be gentle with yourself" thing comes into play...but it's easier said than done. I wanted to be this like "conquer the world" type girl and do all the touring and stuff by myself, but I ended up getting overwhelmed and went home. (Oh, did I mention that anytime I'm in a mall or grocery shopping I listen to music? I don't know how else to handle the Las Vegas feeling of it all. I'm sure this will pass when I spend more and more time...outside of MG).

I just spoke with the lady that's driving me to the retreat, she sounds very lovely. I think I'm going to be okay, but I'm still a week of yoga.

Also, goodnight chats with Louis may just not be in the cards for the beginning. It's not like I'm lonely, it's not like I'm aching without him, but...I just picture him, laying in the bed we used to share, and me, far away, and I don't like it. The conversation starts out normal and ends in me crying...
I'll see how things go this week, but "goodnights" might be in the form of a text message. Louis is sure that it will all work out, and I can't plan for everything since this is super new. That guy can be so rational sometimes it drives me crazy (ok...I'm jealous that he can!).

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be picked up by Diana. In her blue Honda. We'll drive about three hours...and then we'll see what this whole thing turns out to be.

{Still can't upload pictures to the blog....driving me crazy!!!}


  1. Good Luck and have a good time. Love G&Gxxoo


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