Making a Choice
But I'm doing it. And it's a big step for me. And it allowed me to be happy during a super stressful time. And happy at my going away party, even though minutes before my heart rate was through the roof. And yes, there will be more tears. But my outlook has changed, and more and more, I'm happy, and I'm worried less and less, which scares me...but I have to take one day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. But it's working.*******
While I want to write about this....I'm slightly nervous that if I do, I'll jinx it. It's been such an up and down roller coaster ride...
But then I remember that's stupid. That I need to live day by day, sometimes minute by minute.
I've decided to be happy. Even though I DON'T HAVE A CLUE what I'll do, where I'll work (like, what country), what type of work I'll be doing, when I'll have a job, etc. Even though there are so many people that I may never see again. Even though I feel like I should head straight back to Canada. Even though, well, I'll stop there. I could go on and on. There are a lot of things to be sad about during the next couple of weeks, even though when I leave I'm going on a crazy-ass trip.
But I've made a decision. I will be happy during the rest of my time here. Well, not just happy now, but I'm trying extra hard to be happy during a stressful time.
I try to joke as much as possible. I try to do things that I don't feel like doing when I know they're good for me (No joke - I put it in my calendar to meet so-and-so at the bar. So when I REALLY don't feel like it, I get a reminder pop up on my phone...which pushes me to go, even if I'm tired. Even runs are in scheduled in my calendar).
Sometimes I joke around too much. This morning I think Louis thought I was a little insane. But pre-expatriate life, I would often joke a little too much....my sense of humor wasn't for everyone. Most days, I visit a few offices and when I leave I feel like I've just finished a stand-up comedy act. But we're all laughing (myself included), which helps.
There are times where I'm frustrated. I'm trying to finish like THE most important thing before I go, and I'm getting lost in other little things....lost in paperwork....lost in my thoughts...and I try to stop, re-focus, and then get back into it.
There are other times where I go and look on-line at jobs...and get incredibly discouraged because there doesn't seem to be the exact job that I'm looking for (rotational position, forensic auditing or financial compliance position in a start up project, two year contract in a relatively safe French-speaking African country (or Cuba, or South America)).
By choosing to be happy, I have to practice making healthy/good choices, even when I don't feel like it. I have to change the subject if I'm talking to someone who is getting too into my personal "What Will I Do Next" life. I have to make sure I eat snacks even when I'm not hungry (low blood sugar = crying/mad/hopeless). I have to keep up with some kind of cardio schedule (I basically do no strength training and I always want to start, but I need cardio for stress relief). I have to force myself to think of funny things, so that I stay in a relatively good mood.
I don't always succeed. I won't always succeed. But the shift in my mood from last week to this week is significant. I just have to keep practicing my choice to be happy.