Ninety Thousand Emotions

Crap, crap, crappy day. Actually, it wasn't a bad day. It was a bad head space day. A day where I tried (or wanted to try) to start fights with Louis...not like on purpose, but as a way to like, get rid of feelings I don't want to feel. I'd much rather be mad at him, and us fighting, then me being sad that we we'll be apart who knows how long. And yes, I know. I'm ungrateful. I have nothing but opportunities ahead of me, but there are times where none of that matters. And yeah, you know what?? I think I needed a break. Like, a real break. For a month. (Or 42 days in this case). 

I'd rather fight with him, and be mad, so that I can run away from these feelings. We will be okay. But the expat marriage relationships aren't great, so I can't have the "it can't happen to us" syndrome that I wish I could believe.

Anyway, Louis was sick last night (nothing serious, a cough/cold that's been going around), so he slept in late while I went for breakfast (which is actually usually what happens. He swears he can  catch up on sleep on Sundays). We went for lunch (after I tried to pick a fight with him). (Oh, and after I attempted to make us ice coffees which somehow left coffee from one end to the room on the other, and probably 50mL of coffee on the ceiling. I'm so lucky our neighbor is easy going and knows me well enough to just...well, not really flinch at these kinds of things.). We went to the bar to scope out the location where Louis and his band members will be playing on Thursday for my going away party. Yep, you read right. I love parties and I'm so honored that they would get together for this. Also, I'm so touched that Louis would go through all this trouble. It's not easy setting up a party like that here...anyway..

After that we went for a swim, and then came back and watched some Mad Men because it was pouring outside.

Louis has practice tonight, and the closer it was time for him to leave, the more and more mad I got. I told him that my emotions are going crazy and I'm so mad at him, but not mad at him at all. There's a simple psychological explanation for this, and people do it all the time. I don't know if it's avoidance or whatever it's called, but it sucks. Knowing that you're acting like a crazy person while you're acting like a crazy person.

There was some crying.

There was some flinging myself on the bed. Telling him he'll be so much happier without me. (Man, I love that guy).

Then, there was some running. Sometimes I think that I rely on running too much to solve my problems, and then when I can't or when I don't, I think that the world is going to end, but honestly, a quick run is the solution to sooooooooo many things. It was poring rain (like Madagascar pouring where it's hard to see) during some parts, my shoes are dripping, but I almost liked the rain. It made me feel tough that I'm going for a run in the rain, like nothing can stop me. Like I have control over something.

Before and after my run I had no idea how I was going to be able to eat supper. The idea of facing people and having ANYONE ask me about job stuff, or how I should stay here with Louis, or any chatting really overwhelmed me.

Louis was at practice so I thought I'd eat a protein bar. This is one of my worst habits and I try to avoid doing this at all costs because I've conquered the habit but can pick it up oh so easily. It isn't good for me, it hinders my weight loss (not eating enough), and it's just not normal. So I walked to the Tiki Bar, with no wallet, and decided that I would see who was there and have them buy me a drink (which costs less than $0.70) and order supper.

Louis was having logistic problems with the band so he was there waiting for everyone. My sugar daddy (ha ha) bought me my drink, and then because they were talking about the party on Thursday, I was asked to change tables. I did, I chatted, and I left feeling so much better.

You know it's weird to write that going for supper is an accomplishment, but with the mood I was in, and all of the ninety thousand emotions I have going on lately, it was.

Most of the week, I've been happy. Sure, it's a combination of managing my moods, distractions, and a bunch of other factors, but I've succeeded. Which is exactly my goal. Also, this last assignment that I've been working on, panicking about....making (seemingly) no progress, all of a sudden started to come together on Saturday. In 6ish hours I got more accomplished that I had in weeks. My brain wasn't so cloudy and it was an amazing feeling.

I'm okay. I apologize if I sound ungrateful. I am so incredibly lucky. I have so much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for. I'm just having a tough time focusing on that. I guess this is where people say to take it easy on yourself. I'll try that this week too....

(Oh, and there will be a couple of fun surprises on Thursday - that I know about anyways. Expect some video of the night!)

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