"This"

I'm having a SUPER good time, but Sunday & today were still harder days. 

Also, right now, I feel so self involved, caring little about what else is going on, reading or watching very little news, not calling any family, possibly being thoughtless or selfish. I don't like that, I don't think it's typically in my nature, but well...I don't know what to say about that at the moment. 


Sunday we were at the beach, I had a lot if fun, but near the end if the afternoon, I started the Sunday Sucks attitude and had a little cry session for a few minutes with my friend. I have no way to explain what I'm feeling other than confused. 


The tears were unrelated to the event, but came after we went and got groceries. I thought I had conquered the grocery shopping anxiety. It's a mix of over-stimulation and...I don't know, anxiety. Stef asked me some kind if question about what mix to get and I put my hands over my face and just said, I don't know? I can't process this?" because I don't even know what to say, what to tell her, or how to explain this uncomfortable feeling. Luckily, she knows me ver well and knows about my struggles, so she just went with it and all was fine. But I was so disappointed because I thought I was over that. It turns out I'm over that in my grocery store in Quebec. What frustrated me more, is why can't I just tell myself, Go ahead! Don't fight the freak out, just go nuts!

I wish the odd feeling would stop there, but it effects how I interact and how I feel in general. So I'm going to remind myself over and over and over that its okay to feel like "this", whatever "this" is. And the only one pressuring me to not feel "this" is me. 

Today a tiny freak out was growing, but didn't happen because Stef had to go away for a tiny bit while I had the two younger kids at a different grocery store. We sang ABCs and counted things while getting the rest if our groceries, which reminded me that listening to music almost always helps lower my heart rate. If I need to listen to music wherever I am, doing whatever I'm doing where I feel uncomfortable for a bit, than so be it. 

So while I'm loving being here, I still feel "this" a lot more yesterday and today, but like I've written a thousand times on this blog, tomorrow is a new day. 

Comments

  1. Nicole, your on holiday and nobody expects you to call us. Just have fun with Stef and the chicklets and let your re-entery take place as it needs to. Have fun Love G&Gxxoo

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