Blah

I'm uncertain if I'm being hard on myself or trying to kick myself out of a lazy spell. I have a long list of things to do, regardless if I stay here to live or not, and those errands aren't getting checked off very quickly.

In part, it's because I'm tired. Even though I have the best of a bad situation, the stress and dealing with the feelings after a split are hard. Even though I laugh more than I have in a long time, it's still emotionally draining. Sometimes I feel like I'm living two lives because I'm this happy person, who enjoys spending time with people, and other times, I'm a shell of myself dealing with this split up. I'm still having a hard time understanding how I can be so happy and so sad at the same time.

Today is a particularly low day, because I'm having a couple of bad stomach days. I know this is mainly due to stress, I'm doing what I can to help things along, but it's pretty exhausting as well.

I feel like a lazy slob and like I'm not doing as much as I should be. Not working out as much as I can, not helping around the house as much as I can, not getting that errand list taken care of as fast as I can.

It's 15h15 and I'm still in my pajamas. For the first day since I've been here, I haven't even walked the dog.

I'm kinda in a feeling sorry for myself mood. I think that's probably normal too.

My cousin and his wife are being incredible to me. My cousin regularly asks to hang out with me, we've gone to a Farmer's Market or we watch a movie (which I generally lose interest in half way through, but it's still nice). My cousin's wife lets me borrow her car so that I can attempt to do (very slowly) cross off those errands, and she's a great support and always ready to listen. I have another friend that I call when I want to talk about more detailed divorce stuff, who either just listens or provides support, and I know someone who is going through a similar experience who is great to talk to about this kind of stuff because they've literally been down the same road as me. One friend seems to have a never-ending list of things to do in Edmonton that I would have never thought of and is always ton of fun to be around.

I appreciate the company, the contact, re-connecting, and playing tourist. I especially appreciate the beast/dog, that gets me out of the house every day (except for today) and keeps me company when I need it but don't want to talk to anyone. Except she drives me crazy and I think I always smell like dog because she chews/licks everything on my person. Even me sometimes which I find disgusting.

Not every day feels like this. I'm surprised and grateful that I think most days, I'm happy most of the time, even though I have the divorce playing in the background. My stomach certainly is effecting my positivity and mood. It's been a yogurt/eggs/toast kinda day, and tomorrow is a new day. Cousin's wife is off of work, and I think I'll ask her to help me kick my ass to get some errands done.

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