Posts

Showing posts from October, 2013

9 Days Updated

Image
Ah well. If I need lame kickboxing and step aerobics as my escape for a bit - which means stopping half way through class tonight so that I don't puke - but still means that I go to class and feel a lot better afterward...than so be it. 
One last thing I forgot to add. Another thing that happened in the last 9 days. Two hours after I picked up my car, I was coming out if the gym...and saw this: 
That would be a big scratch from the parking lot. Seems like my car destiny is mean to always drive a banged up car...even if it's just a little bang. :)

9 days

I look and my last post was nine days ago.

I'm not going to go back and read what I wrote, I don't imagine it was particularly happy. I had a bit of a setback, turns out that I'm allergic to divorce lawyers - even talking to them on the phone makes me sick. So I've put that on hold for awhile and am focusing on other things.

In the last nine days, I've done a lot. I've gone to at least 5 or 6 lame but none-the-less hard classes at the gym, I picked up a car that I bought - which is exciting to have something of my own and not have to rely on borrowing other people's cars, I've gone over to a friend's house, I went out for supper, I had a night on the town, and I've probably only cried 7 out of those 9 days. It's a big improvement actually.

I'm sure that tonight I'd feel much better if I went and worked out, but I ate a big lunch...(actually, I've been eating pretty freaking poorly this week...and last week...and maybe the week …

GMST

Image
Today was another roller coaster ride. I knew I wasn't in the greatest mood...but I wanted to get out and do something. 

For some reason. Craig agreed to join me and we went to the downtown farmer's market, which had moved into City Hall for the cooler temperatures. 

I'm lucky Craig was with me...because the borrowed truck I'm driving is crazy hard to park and I needed him to get out and direct me for at least seven minutes. 
The parking meter was a whole different challenge...like seriously, I've been away from Canada for too long...I'm really, really out of the loop for these simple kinda if things. I think at one point, I yelled, Where are the instructions on these things for African people!!!! (Thankfully....there were no actual African people around me...that could have been awkward. 


Speaking of vehicles, I finally bought my own. I bought a used Civic...because even though I want to create a new start with different things...why mess with something I already …

Postponed

Well, all that anxiety and uneasiness about going to Montreal for the weekend will have to wait. The trip will be postponed for just over three weeks.

Lots of reasons why, but the best one is that I'm just not ready. The last 2+ months I've had to process about a million small changes, and this one isn't that I'm not ready for. It's only a few weeks, but as I've experienced - a lot can change in a three weeks.

So here's to shopping at any discount store, borrowing jackets/sweaters from family, and hanging out here and getting things a bit more organized.

Tomorrow

Okkkkkkk, so obviously today wasn't my best day. 
Patience is not something that I'm great with. I would like to have only fond memories of my ex-husband; us be friends; working in a job that I like; living in a homey townhouse (with no cats); and I'd like it all tomorrow
This is a process and I need to be patient and take one day at a time. Future plans are good, but I still need to take things a day at a time. 
And curse much, much less.

Playing The Victim

I'd really like it, no, I'd really love it, if we could just burn the marriage certificate and that be that. 

I've tried twice to talk with two different lawyers, to get advice...or really understand the process, the timing of everything, etc. 

Both times I've ended the phone call overwhelmed and feeling destroyed. How can it cost so much financially to end a marriage? It isn't enough that we're spent from hurt and sadness, we have to spend money to have this over with? 

And...one would think that lawyers would have some kind of understanding that this is a sensitive subject, instead of being cold and rude? I know they need the facts...but ending something like this isn't always something factual. 
All of my hopes and dreams for my marriage have been destroyed. So why can't I just do the same to the one piece of paper? (Ok, it's actually a small booklet and another 2 page document :P).
I know marriage is a serious and shoud-be life-long commitment. But m…

Big Goals

Image
Everyone should have goals, right? I haven't had any for awhile. Like two months or so. Well, that's not true. I focused on doing whatever I can to make myself as healthy and as happy as possible in a stressful situation. But it still was a day-by-day thing. Now I have like, REAL GOALS. BIG ONES.

Are you ready?

I want to have long hairI want to live in a place with stairs.
I know, right? Pretty crazy shit.

My hair has grown a lot since May, but has so long to go. I try to pretend it's long enough for a ponytail, but I just look like I have a rooster tail or something sticking out of the back of my head, with a lot of short hairs everywhere. It's a good look. Gettin' me my dance card full, that's for sure.

The place with stairs thing....I don't have a clue where the idea came from, but if you've been reading this for a year or more, it's pretty obvious I just get random ideas in my head and go with them. Sometimes it works for me, other times it h…

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Since September 9th, I've been doing pretty good living off of a suitcase packed with clothing for my Moroccan vacation and a few small shopping trips to Old Navy when they've had a sale. 

But I kinda miss what little stuff I do have in Montreal. Especially the warm clothing and my own hair dryer. 

I'm not sure if I miss everything badly enough to ever head back to Montreal, but I'm going there on Saturday. The anxiety I feel today makes me want to cancel the trip. I don't need any of it...I can just borrow people's clothes and jackets and look like a hobo. 

But I am going. Thankfully with Eden, my cousin's wife. 
I actually quite like Quebec, especially the area I lived in, but I'm dreading going back. I'll only be there for four days - just enough time to pack up my stuff or put it in boxes for shipping later, to have a lunch or supper out, and hopefully to see the girls. 
I don't feel strong enough to go. 
I've tried to ignore the fact that I&#…

'Cause I Rock

Image
It's no secret, I'm not a huge fan of my gym. But it's affordable, close, and offers classes - which I need 'cause lately I have no motivation to make myself excercise. I need a perky, annoying-as-f*uck-perfect-bodied chick yelling at me, asking me if my thighs are screaming at me, or some equally annoying/cheery/motivating sentiment. 
Also...I'm chicken-shit to run by myself, because since the split, all solo runs have ended in tears. There's nothing wrong with crying, but sometimes I need a break from the whole thinking process. And running always brings on the thinking. 
But it's a Saturday night, I wanted to get some endorphins going, so I went to the gym to see what would happen. 
I was a rock star. I decided on sprint/jogs in hopes that that would help keep the tears away.
Like seriously, this sign is actually required?!?!
Anyway, about 20 minutes into my run, someone came over to me to tell me the gym was closed. Um...maybe they could have told me that wh…

I ❤ Excel.

Image
I know that given the circumstances, I'm doing well with what's going on. A cross continental move, an attempt at creating a home in a new city, the ending of my marriage, followed by an eventual move back to Edmonton.

I'm often hard on myself for having the bad days, and even harder on myself for having the good days. I feel like it's too soon to be happy, it's too soon to experience joy, and that I shouldn't let anything good happen. Divorce is, pardon the language, a complete fucking mind-fuck that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And I have the good life in all of this.

I think I'm a visual person, because when I started thinking about the overall process, I instantly pictured a graph. (Ok, I'm a visual person and a spreadsheet dork!).

If the horizontal axis is Time, and the vertical level is my Happiness Level, or Acceptance of This Fucked Up Process, or General Dealing with this Process, this is what I picture it looking like.



It's u…

Furniture Frenzy

I was all excited yesterday because I was going to IKEA with a friend. I've been looking (far too much) at townhouse rentals and what's on the market, and I'm getting antsy to either rent or buy one. The reality is it's not a good time for me to do either - especially buy something, Or even rent something right now. I need to stay put (ignoring the fact that I am on sabatical ha-ha and should not be spending money on rent) for a couple of months. I need to be around people, or at least live in a house where there's people noises going on around me. I'm amazed at how comforting that is. Just to know that you're living with people and you're not totally by yourself.

Ok, I'm rambling.

Last night - IKEA - exited... I was excited to see what kind of furniture is out there, what I'm going to make my eventual bedroom or kitchen look like  and all the little pieces and bits that go into making a house a home (plus I wanted to buy some kind of storage …

New, Blank Template

If you're not reading this on Bloglovin' or Feedly, you can ignore this comment, because you won't see a difference. (Oh, random: Does anyone know why when I post pictures from my phone using Blogger, they post as mega-gigantic size? And later on, I can't edit the size unless I play around with the HTML code which lasts about ten minutes until all of the <<<< blend into one fuzzy line?)

Anyway, I've changed my blog template.

My most favorite template was when I had a picture of the Canal Pangalanes as a header, with my schpeel written on the picture. I screwed around too much with the HTML code and lost it, so I took a template background of a world map, and then more recently the view from an airplane.

I didn't like it. First, I don't see myself doing a ton of airplane travelling - oh, except going to Montreal later this month...and maybe some kind of week on a beach if I can swing it...ok, so maybe there will still be some airplane travel, bu…