9 days

I look and my last post was nine days ago.

I'm not going to go back and read what I wrote, I don't imagine it was particularly happy. I had a bit of a setback, turns out that I'm allergic to divorce lawyers - even talking to them on the phone makes me sick. So I've put that on hold for awhile and am focusing on other things.

In the last nine days, I've done a lot. I've gone to at least 5 or 6 lame but none-the-less hard classes at the gym, I picked up a car that I bought - which is exciting to have something of my own and not have to rely on borrowing other people's cars, I've gone over to a friend's house, I went out for supper, I had a night on the town, and I've probably only cried 7 out of those 9 days. It's a big improvement actually.

I'm sure that tonight I'd feel much better if I went and worked out, but I ate a big lunch...(actually, I've been eating pretty freaking poorly this week...and last week...and maybe the week before that, so it's good that I've been going to the gym) and feel kinda sick to my stomach. But the thing is, I don't know what to do with myself. Go hang out with a friend? I don't feel like talking. Go watch a movie...It's too cold out. Go for a walk? I can't seem to get my shoes on. My gym classes are totally my escape and without them I feel like I'll be this sad person for the rest of the night. I haven't been in a fantastic mood since Monday afternoon.

I know there are going to be days like this. I've had a lot of days like this. I've had a lot of days that haven't been like this too. But the confusing of having such GOOD days and then having such BAD days can take it's toll on me.

I'm in this mix of missing, wanting distance, being lonely, needing more time to myself, being exhausted, feeling full of energy, feeling happy, feeling worried, being independant, wanting someone to take care of me, feeling love and appreciation, wanting to push everyone away.

I also feel like I'm ready to start the job hunt again. There's this one opportunity that I think would probably be amazing, but I'm a little apprehensive to check it out. The work sounds super cool, but there would be reminders of a life that I once had and reminders of the broken dreams. That is an incredibly pessimistic way of looking at it, maybe I'm worried that I wouldn't get the job.

I'm frustrated at everything and everyone right now. A clear sign that I'm not spending enough time alone.

I'd like to post all kinds of positive crap, how everyone tells me I'm doing so good through all of this, how a lot of the time I'm laughing and in a good mood (which is sort of true), how I'm moving on with my life (or starting to anyway), but I'm just stuck in this crappy, shitty mood of not knowing what to do with myself.

I think tomorrow it's off to Starbucks to sit and start working on the job front. And apply for the one that I'm excited/hesitant/worried about. At least I'll feel productive.