I ❤ Excel.
I'm often hard on myself for having the bad days, and even harder on myself for having the good days. I feel like it's too soon to be happy, it's too soon to experience joy, and that I shouldn't let anything good happen. Divorce is, pardon the language, a complete fucking mind-fuck that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And I have the good life in all of this.
I think I'm a visual person, because when I started thinking about the overall process, I instantly pictured a graph. (Ok, I'm a visual person and a spreadsheet dork!).
If the horizontal axis is Time, and the vertical level is my Happiness Level, or Acceptance of This Fucked Up Process, or General Dealing with this Process, this is what I picture it looking like.
It's up and down and up and down and up and down, but the overall trend is moving upwards. So the down days are there, mixed in with the happy ones, with the occasional regression, but certainly improving over time (with a σ ±0.4 ). (And this graph would be like ten times better if I didn't just have the Starter pack for Windows...).
This week, I had a pretty big regression, that I've realized will take me some time to get over. It began with one very bad morning. Eden helped me more than she'll ever know by staying with me, bringing me tea and water and a cold compress. This was followed by a night of little sleep, followed by an emotional day, which just created a mess of a zombie of a person.
Thankfully, I had a well-time doctor's appointment to check up on my stomach, and was yet again amazed with how wonderful of a doctor I have. She is kind and caring and assures me that all of this insanity is completely normal. The no sleeping, the oversleeping, the lack of concentration, the stress, the drop in energy, all while living my day-to-day life, which is I think is generally filled with a lot of laughter and love (which confuses me even more sometimes) is totally and completely par for the course.. (More good news, my stomach is just stress-related and I didn't pick up some mysterious disease in Morocco).
Turns out that mourning a relationship while continuing to experience joy, love, and happiness in life is a stressful experience, and all of my craziness is in fact normalness. Who knew. After the doctor's, I had a nap, went into a deep sleep that night, and had another nap today.
I don't know what the point of this post was. Maybe I just wanted everyone to know that I'm ok and handling this well, as confirmed by a medical professional. Maybe I just really wanted to create a graph in Excel?
One day....I swear, one day...I'll put up some pictures of Morocco. I miss having this as a part-travel blog. Just as soon as I pass this phase of zombie-ness.