But I kinda want it to be over. Yes, there were many highlights in 2013. Positive life-changing events. My trip to Czech Republic and to Morocco will never be forgotten. I met two new friends in Montreal that helped me get through a lonely time, that continue to remain very special to me. Reconnecting with Edmonton friends and being able to spend time with some of those that I love was big enough for me to want to stay here for at least a year. All amazing, wonderful things.
So why can't I just be grateful? I AM thankful and I AM incredibly grateful for all that I have. So why can't I just accept all of it and be happy?
I briefly mentioned last month that I was going to Montreal to pack my things. I decided to postpone the trip because I wasn't feeling strong enough. I wasn't ready to finalize one of the many items on the Divorce CheckList. Two weeks ago, I made a second (and successful) attempt, along with my cousin and his wife. While we certainly made a lot of fun memories, overall, it knocked the wind out of me. I went to bed in the evenings very early, exhausted. There wasn't much to pack up, but being there...It was truly the most challenging week that I've had in this entire process.
This week...was almost a recovery from that time. I was up and down and my brain was fuzzy, and truly, I was an emotional wreck (mind you, there were some other events in there that certainly added to the intensity) and then finally...Thursday afternoon I started to feel like myself. I planned to go to my a gym class taught by my favorite teacher and then was going to go out for supper. Like a real outing! I'd even spend my own money and order a cranberry & soda to drink! (I'm in this non-alcoholic phase again. Not sure why).
And at the gym class, I fall badly. I tried to pick myself up (literally) but couldn't. Today's X-rays confirms its not broken, but I won't be walking on it in the near future. Or wearing real shoes.
I know this is temporary. I want to be counting my blessings. But I'm confused...doubting the person I am. What my real qualities and values are as opposed to what I think they are.
Lately, my overall feeling is that I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. Lately, I don't feel like a very strong swimmer.
It's worth being written twice...I know this is temporary. And I still have many moments of joy, love, and laughter...but I'm greedy and I want more.
I know that divorce isn't an easy process. And that the heartaches and frustrations will fall over into next year as well. But I want 2013 to be over. I want a new year. With new prospects. New hopes. Maybe, if I let myself, new dreams.