Every post that I've tried to write since my big announcement has come off incredibly defensive and like, Oh woah is me. I've hit "Delete All" too many times. So I'll try it again.
I feel like I am so lucky, so blessed, and that I am so fortunate to live the life that I live. But I've been feeling like that for some time - before this big decision was made. Going through tough times...well, for me anyway, made me realize just how much time and energy was wasted being unhappy.
And now? Since Louis and I are back together (in some kind of odd-but-feeling-totally-natural kind of way), I still feel like that blessed person...only more so. Because now we have another chance together. Ok, so we're in for a tough road, counselling, moving, adjustments, blah blah blah (Or Bob Loblaw for any Arrested Development fans), but...this decision wasn't hastily made. It was made because I made a commitment; because I truly believe that when I married Louis, I married him for life; and because we have something special. Really special. And that I believe that when this special thing we have is handled with care (something that we tried so hard to do but weren't very good at), we will be successful at building a happy marriage and a happy life together.
It's kinda weird...because the joy...and love that I feel...isn't easily expressed right now. After the breakup, I openly greived, and now, out of concern and love, it's easy and natural to be weary about this new idea. I get it. I totally get it. I can just hope that with time, my decision will be accepted and supported. And that it will become clear that I'm doing this for me. All for the right reasons.
Ok, so enough of that. For now, here's some of what's up next:
- Louis is leaving Madagascar. This was one of the big things that needed to change. When he told me this...I was extremely shocked. But it is the best thing to do for everyone and I am really, really happy about this.
- I'll be leaving Alberta. Not right now. Not yet. Moving to Quebec was really hard for me and being away from my friends and family sucks. But when I married Louis, I married the girls as well. That means living near them, well, at least until they are both adults (and then I hope they will stay living near us!). I am excited to get back together....the four of us. I never talked about the girls much on here, but I always missed them. We kept in touch...but it wasn't the same. OH MY, what am I saying??!?!! Not the four of us, the FIVE of us. The five of us will be back together again. How could I forget my doggie love, Maggie? (I recently found out that Louis tried to continually to convince the girls to give her to me. They were almost convinced...but not quite).
- Louis will come to Edmonton in February for a week. This will be a some kind of crazy gong show happy airport reunion. (I'm watching the fliers for sales on Kleenex.)
- I'll be volunteering until I move to Quebec. I had two potential (paying) work opportunities, but I decided not to pursue them any further. I'm working with a recruiter (who gets paid commission by the hiring employer, once certain conditions are met - like me staying there for a period of time) and had I continued things the way that they were going, I would be dishonest to him, my future employer, and myself. I initially planned to stay to stay here up to one year before moving, but after I really thought about it - I'm done with anything long-distance. We have spent enough time apart to know that we aren't met to spend time apart.
- I'll be joining Louis his last two weeks in Madagascar mid-March. This is something that is very exciting.
It's all a mess of mixed emotions for me. I feel like I worked hard to build a life for myself here...I'm just settling in again...and I'm now I'm about to uproot myself again. The only thing that I can tell myself (and anyone else) is that I truly feel that this is the right thing for me. The right thing for us. This is all still new and every day I go through ups and downs and so many different emotions, but overall, I am happy and I feel like things are finally right. As they should be.
I know this won't be seamless or easy...for anyone. Instead of thinking what I'm leaving behind, or what I'm missing, I'm trying to think of what I'm gaining, ways I'll manage to live across the country from my family/friends, how I'll continue to keep growing as a person, how we'll strengthen our marriage, and all the positives. I'm also very future focused with Louis. The consequences of the past will be dealt with and will heal over time, but we now have the same hopes and dreams that we once had together to look forward to again. Together.