Ch-ch-ch-Changes

2013:
April: Leave Madagascar (sooner than planned). And husband. And second family.
May/June: Get bronchitis at a yoga retreat, tour Prague, cycle Czech Republic and Austria, meet up with friends in Istanbul, visit my dad in Abu Dhabi, visit friends in Luxembourg, return to Canada.
June/July: Despite all my efforts...struggle to adapt to Canadian life...in a place where I don't know many people.
August: Take a one week camping trip by myself and meet up with friends to tour Morocco
September: Move to Edmonton.
October - December: Rebuild myself, start to rebuild my life...shakily.

2014:
January: Trip to Cuba and reunite with Louis.
February: See Louis for the first time since last July.
March: Travel to Madagascar for 2 weeks.
April: Louis comes to Edmonton for 2-4 weeks.
May: Arrive in Quebec to settle in and become part of the working world again.


The above is the very abbreviated version of 12 months of my life. (IMPORTANT! I'm not complaining. I know it sounds like I'm complaining but in those 12 months I had some INCREDIBLE and AMAZING life experiences, was overwhelmed more times than I can count with support and love, and managed to stay generally healthy the entire time).


So.


I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Like, not in a way like I sometimes felt in Madagascar. Not in a way like I felt in Quebec last summer. But in a way where my head is spinning....like, A LOT. So when I write it all down like that...it's almost to justify to myself...that yeah, um, there are quite a few life events and it's kinda probably normal to feel like I'm losing it.


I've been a bit more recluse....I feel like I need quiet time. Even talking about all of the current and upcoming changes too much overwhelms me.


I get frustrated so so so many times at myself. For the most part (except for...sniff...leaving YEG), all of 2014 is filled with some pretty positive changes and a bright future. Yes, quite a few challenges.. Yes, a lot of unknown, not a lot of certainties (like when I'll find a job, etc). But I feel like I should be calm, cool, and collected (which is even more ridiculous....because even when which side I part my hair has been the biggest change in my life...I've never been calm, cool, and collected). I also think I am very lucky, very blessed, very fortunate, and therefore I should always be happy, always feel great, etc. NOT. That doesn't work at all.


So I've decided, that I am going to let myself feel like shit. Have all the ups and downs and cries (there are so many cries...even happy ones) and laughs and sleepless nights that I have. I've driven myself wacko (or wacko-er) trying to fight it and be happy and be calm and not worry...and it's pointless. I'm going through one of the most emotional experiences of my life...and I'm trying to force myself to be calm? Pretty unrealistic expectation. I think I'd enjoy myself a lot more if I just let myself feel the emotions I feel....and move on. As long as I'm eating (relatively) healthy, working out and being active, and attempting to sleep when I can...I need to just...chill out on the trying to force myself to be calm and only have good feelings. Scratch that, good feelings thing...my favorite Buddhist nun writes that there is no such thing as good or bad emotions or feelings - just ones that are more challenging to feel than others. So I'm taking that approach. It's not easy. But I like the concept.

Another way that someone special talked to me about...is that right now I'm on the craziest roller coaster. I can't stop it. I can't control it. Worrying about the next turn or the next drop...doesn't make it any easier. I can just hold on tight and know that it will come to an end. (Some people are so smart). I really like the roller coaster analogy.


Even tonight, I have so many feelings. I'm so excited to see Louis. But I can't think about it too much, or I just start freaking out. (What will happen at the airport? Will I cry? Will I just shut down? Will he think I'm pretty? Will he look the same to me? What will I wear? What if I cry so hard that I can't even stand up? Should I take an Advil before just in case I cry so hard I end up with a massive headache? What if I cry the entire night? What if I have nothing to say? And so forth). I'm also happy because I have all of my furniture and my house is starting to look like a house. I'm wondering why I'm bothering caring about a house when I'll only be here for a few more months. Then I remember that I'm here for a few months and I deserve to be somewhere nice that makes me happy. I'm anxious for all of the upcoming changes....to the point where I feel tightness in my chest sometimes (evening classes at the gym usually helps this...but not all the time). I wondering if I'll have time to get a pedicure before Louis comes (because he like, totally cares about that kind of stuff right!?!? Um...no).
And so forth. My brain is in overdrive. Times ten.

So I'll just remember, I'm on the roller coaster. All I can do for now (apart from eating healthy, gym, socialize, blah blah), is just sit back and ride.

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