That's not true, I guess. I have lots of moments where I laugh and enjoy myself. But I feel like I have more moments where my emotions are far more than I can handle.
I've been exhausted, but I'm don't feel like I'm actually doing much. I've been to the gym sort of regularly, which is a good sign. My eating is all over the place, but I downloaded My Fitness Pal (which is nothing short of amazing) and I'm trying to make sure I get enough or not too much food. I opted out of volunteering 3x/week and gone to 1x/week. I'm trying to find a balance during a weird time.
One day last week, I drove home with the air conditionning on because I felt so tired. (Later I realized, I could have just rolled down the window. Duuhhhh.). That same night, I cried in the parking lot for what felt like forever. I cried so hard that I couldn't drive myself home for some time. I just can't grasp the concept of my grandpa being this ill. I know I've been in denial for a long time.
I don't feel any sense of obligation to visit my grandpa. I go because I want to see him. I want him to know that he is loved, and if I'm totally honest with myself, because I want to do something to fix him. I know it's impossible, but my brain hasn't caught up to my heart.
I'm trying to learn my limits and fumbling around to find a way to cope better...because I know I can't go on like this. Thankfully, I'll have my husband with me when I'm back from Madagascar. I know that I spent way too much time alone and I'm very happy to have someone by my side. Helping me. (But a borrowed dog has helped tremendously!)
Today started really shaky. Not even 07h00 and I was already crying on the phone, overwhelmed and confused...Trying to figure out how to get errands done, my house cleaned, what to pack, how to pack...all simple tasks that just seemed too difficult. (Edited Friday - the house didn't get cleaned. The world didn't end).
After I calmed down, I went back to bed for a couple of hours, which was good because I think I needed some more sleep. I woke up...sort of hesitant to venture out, wondering how I would get through all of my errands.
I started with one. Then another. I decided that today would be a Starbucks day. :)
I had scheduled a massage for today. My muscles have been aching...but I've continually postponed getting a massage.
The first part was a tub soak in the world's more amazing jettub ever. I've know the massage therapist for a few years and she is very intuitive and quite amazing. I felt pretty freaking amazing after the tub soak and could have called it a day then, even.
I talked throughout the massage....it was like I didn't trust myself not to just start crying or something. I told her a bit of what I was going through...she was so kind and at one point said, Quit worrying about sounding depressed, let me take care of you during this time.
It was kind of a lightbulb moment. I need some help taking care of things...me...at least for now. So thankful that I have half my team back in Edmonton April 1st.
At then about fifteen minutes before the end of the massage, we started talking about moving back to Quebec. I started listing the positives and the things that I like there. I started talking about the girls and what's been going on with their lives. And thinking how much I miss them...and how much I miss being in a family of four. I am so blessed to have step-daughters. They are so incredibly wonderful...even when they're sister-arguing (which still freaks me out sometimes because I have very little experience with that). They are kind and loving and smart and thoughtful...and it hasn't been perfect and it won't be perfect, but I am so freaking lucky.
I left my massage feeling amazing. Like some huge weight was lifted off of me.
I had a few errands to run before going and seeing my grandpa. The few times I've gone and seen him this week...he hasn't been doing super well. I know I need to accept this at one point, but I still find it shocking sometimes.
After my bad day this week, the one that ended with me crying in the parking lot, I wasn't sure how well I'd do seeing my grandpa. I was getting kind of nervous. And worse, traffic was congested. I'm not comfortable driving in traffic (I don't know when this happened but it makes me feel about 90 years old). I was waiting to turn left for EVER and Whoop, There it Is came on the radio. I looked in my rear view mirror and this super serious looking business man in the car behind me was GOING TO TOWN rapping every word and totally getting into it. I tried to be subtle about it, but I was nearly peeing my pants laughing. My mood was lightened again and I felt so great. Like everyone in Edmonton could tell I was just not doing that great this week and everyone was doing everything to help me have one.good.day.
It gets better yet. When I arrived my grandpa was eating supper and he had SUCH a good day. He was doing so good, even teasing my grandma before she left. I stayed for a little bit with him after supper and we talked and listened to music and it was the highlight of my week. When I left...I felt like it was him taking care of me. Like he knew that I needed for him to have a good day, so he pulled whatever strength he had wherever to make it happen.
My house is disorganised. I'm mostly packed. I still have quite a few errands tomorrow. But I had a good day. And am happy for that.