Mrs Pessimism

I'm typing this in a small town somewhere in Quebec, near the US border I think, in a mechanics' shop. Word-of-mouth has this place as a (government) car inspection place that doesn't go overboard with it's requirements...which I need because I have one (acceptable) thing broken on my car but we're not sure if it will pass inspection. Louis (who is just a little obsessed with cars) knows a guy who knows a guy...Hopefully this means an inspection fee & no other costs.
(Update: parts were $270...waiting for labour quote. Life could be worse, I guess). 

Anyway, this week's theme is...confusion. I am totally confused as to what's going on, how to be a step-parent to two girls (being here full time is a lot different than being here very part time), how to understand what's being said, and how the locals live their everyday lives. I'm still in Canada, but everything is different from grocery shopping, to going to the gym, to driving, etc.. Thankfully, Louis has been doing a lot of the hard stuff (like making appointments for all of the car/Quebec resident stuff). 

But I'm also starting to feel a little lonely and a little out of my element. Louis is great...but I like having more than just one friend ;). And I don't like the feeling of having less independence & having to ask for everyone's help all the time. 

Yesterday my "pantry" grocery shopping trip (we go one place for produce and another cheaper place for dry goods like spices/grains/etc) took me one hour. I spent less than $70. I had only three bags. But I had to go down almost every aisle to find what I needed, turning around labels to make sure I was buying what I thought I was. I find this discouraging. I can (often) easily communicate with anyone here, maybe struggle on a word or two (though it's not as easy as it was last year), but I don't read/write/comprehend well (yet). I know this takes time, but last week I was in this honeymoon period where I just felt happy to be back to where I wanted to be in life...and I ignored the logistics and details. 

I know that this will come with time...but I've spent the last twelve months going through major life changes that "will get better/easier with time". 

What's crappy...or maybe even ironic is that the feeling of always working on something will never go away. Soon I'll have my stuff delivered and will struggle to organize/unpack. Then I'll find a job and have to learn the job/how to get to and from work. Then we'll buy a house and deal with that and then we'll somehow start trying to have a baby and well, that's a whole huge different set of struggles...

I guess what I'm saying...or that it would be easier for me to give up wanting to fit in, to have things easy, to have things settled and perfect. I'd would be better to accept that I'll always be confused and lost at one point and that it's ok to feel that way...

Until isn't my best day. The soup I made for the week tastes gross. And I could really, really use a slurpee but this stupid province doesn't have them. 
(Update: I had this
which was a poor excuse for a slurpee. "Sloshe" of all f*cking things. Plus some chocolate. And then some cookies. Maybe some ice cream. #emotionaleatmuch)

1 comment:

  1. You just hang in there Kiddo. Your doing just great and you know that there is no such thing as perfection. What you think of as challenges are the steps taken to live a normal life. And you are doing that wonderfully. Everybody experiences these growing pains or better yet lets call them lifetime growth. Sounds good doesn't it. We love you. Talk to you soon. What kind of soup did you make?