Confidence. It's a funny thing. Well, not funny ha-ha but odd-funny.
I've always felt most confident in my work life. In a world where debits equal credits and the variance is researched & explained (although I don't do any actual accounting work).
I've gone through a very long period where my confidence has been shaken...or maybe beaten out of me. But it's started to come back. And I really like the feeling. I'm still guilty of having many moments, hours, or days of insecurity, but slowly, my confidence is starting to peak through, and it's awesome.
I know it sounds petty, but my new "look" has helped a lot. I look the part (at least on the weekdays). I speak up and ask questions or add comments in meetings without triple questioning myself. I talk to people at lunch and even strike up conversations with people walking to the train (ok this happened once, just now, with a guy from work that I've met before. But still. I'm all social and shit). I'm getting more confident with the train and only panic that I'm on the wrong train or that I've missed my stop every other time...I even get on the middle car so that when I get off I'm closer to my parked car instead of jumping in the first car because I'm scared the train will leave even though I'm 20 minutes early.
It still seems all a little (ok, a lot) surreal...especially when begin a conversation in clear, near-perfect french, or when someone asks me where I worked and I end up talking about how I climbed mount Kenya. That is weird, I'm all downtown girl now...was it really only 3 years ago I was in Nairobi prepping to climb a mountain for "fun"? How do you explain that to someone? I can't make sense of it myself. I'm all confident traveller of the world...and then I'm this tiny (metaphorically speaking), scared little girl asking questions on how to get to what street downtown.
Today I had a real flashback when we hgot a company email warning us about big strikes that might impede us fr getting to work and to check the media before going anywhere. Um...I'm in quebec, right? Isn't that a Mada kinda email? (I guess not. There's a lot of political stuff going on right now). While I'm sure the strikes/protests will be civilized...I had my typical strike-anxiety...and then laughed.
The world is crazy. My life is crazy. By definition...I'm probably crazy too. At least I'm not bored. (And I got through a Monday without crying!)