Normally I'd be excited. I haven't been to Edmonton since last summer and I wasn't very healthy when I was there. I didn't see many people and it wasn't a ton of fun.
I'll be seeing many, many people this time. I'm much, much healthier...but I'm also a wreck. I want to stay in Montreal for as long as I possibly can so that I don't have to face what's waiting for me.
I haven't assisted in one funeral arrangement, I haven't visited one family member, I haven't said goodbye to my grandpa. I'm in this state of limbo because I didn't realize that grief could be so incredibly overwhelming.
I have done absolutely everything possible not to pack my suitcase. I have tried to find any excuse not to go.
I need to be with my family, eventually I'm going to crash and burn with this avoidance strategy...I just want to pretend everything is ok for one.more.day.
The night my grandpa passed away, I had real anxiety before going to bed. I felt scared in my own home and I went so far as turning the outside patio light on. That night there was a huge storm, waking both Maggie and I up (storms aren't very com mi in Montreal), I even took Maggie in my bed because she was freaking out.
Now I can't turn the patio light off. I can't explain it, it's stupid. My grandpa didn't come to me and ask me to keep the light on...yet I'm kind of clinging to the idea that he did...and now I can't turn it off.
Tomorrow I'll have the day to pack. A very, very good friend is coming over in the morning. I might cry with them all morning but I'll be happy for the love and the hugs. To be followed ten fold when I return to Edmonton.