Dia 4- gracias para mañana
Today wasn't my best day.
Perhaps I woke up on the wrong side of bed, perhaps it was the few text messages I had with one of the girls...but from morning to evening all I could think about was everything that I could have done differently, everything I should have done differently, and everything that I lost.
I didn't just lose a relationship with my ex. I think if that was the only loss...I might be ok. I lost the babies that were never conceived (or adopted), I lost the housewarming celebration in our new home that was never purchased, I lost the "stepmother" title, I lost the friendship we had, I lost the memories that are now tainted with hurt, I lost the family I thought I would never have.
In the grand scheme of things, it's entirely possible that I find another love....one day.
That we throw a housewarming party.
That we have babies of our own.
But the future is unknown, and while I want to....so very hard focus on the future, focus on recovering from a stressful and upsetting time in my life...his voice, his face, & how it felt to be in his arms haunt me.
So I gave myself a "free sad" day. I knew that there would be ups and downs on this vacation....and as much as I want to call anyone to hear that it's going to be ok...to get any kind of life preserver to help me from drowning in my sorrows...I know it's all part of the process. Divorce is a sad process. I don't know what life will be like at the end of it all...
I know I'm a very, very fortunate person. I'm been blessed with so much support and love throughout my life and I'm trying to focus on the good over the bad...but today, I lost the battle.
I'll relax and not be too hard on myself. I knew that wherever I went...however far the beach was, my problems would follow me. I know that tomorrow is a new day, that starts early with an 8am departure on a sailboat around the islands. A perfect way to start with a new frame of mind.