My email to a friend

Dear Friend, 

Thanks again for coming to the funeral. Everyone thought it was very nice.

I go over that day again and again...& the prep work, the morning seriously felt like a wedding. We were all running around picking up ice, trays, etc....I really didn't help out much because my brain was like...on another planet. I think the only thing I did to help out was slice buns. Everything just kind of happened around me. 

Honestly I am so flattered & honored that I got to speak about my grandpa.  I can barely remember the moment...but wow...that slide show killllllled me. The photos were amazing. The music (especially the first solo!!!!) was wonderful.

I had to go to the church library a few times because it was all so overwhelming. The first time I went someone followed me. I didn't know who but I put my head down on the desk and cried and cried and cried while the mystery person rubbed my back. I turned around finally and saw that it was my friend, Stephanie.  

Everyone was so nice & I had so many people I've never met come & thank me. Or tell me how great I was or how great my grandpa was. It's still overwhelming how nice people are being to me. 

I'm writing to you...because I'm kind of lost. After you lost your loved one...did life just feel totally different for awhile? It's like I feel like I'm walking around with an arm that got cut off...but no one can tell. I'm waiting for people to react or be shocked...but no one notices.

After the funeral I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. We really celebrated my grandpa and he would have loved it - especially the pastor!!! But now that im back...I'm waiting for a sense of normalcy...and I still feel so, so, so weird & off.

I know it's ok to be sad, my grandfather was a very, very, very important person in my life. I know it's ok to feel anxious, confused...

But I never thought that I'd feel like my entire life was shaken. 

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