Chaotic Mind

It is entirely possible, that I may just have survived another disaster. As you saw yesterday, my house is in complete disarray…. Pretty much in line with my state of mind….but I got through it, and I got through it, mainly, alone. It wasn’t my method of choice, but I still managed to get through it. While going through heated divorce talks and having the big boss in town and not knowing my future job status until he left. (There’s no guarantee now but things are looking better).

I’m trying to manage my stress the best that I can, but it’s a challenge. I certainly have some nice, big, black bags under my eyes that I hope to address this weekend….except this weekend is the time change and a Halloween party….so we shall see.

I’m not sure how single people do it. The house, the…day-to-day tasks… Even when my ex was out of town I felt like I had help taking care of things. I’m finding it hard to adjust to single life. I have to take care of everything and I don’t always do a good job at it. Parking, budgeting, meal prep….sleep….all things that I need to get better at because what I’m doing now isn’t sustainable in the long run.
I know that I did it for years…but I also had a grandpa, a male friend, a boyfriend, or an uncle to help me with the “boy” things like changing the tires to winter ones and getting my car services. Yeah, I probably sound very anti-feminist…but I like that I had someone around to take care of car, computer, and….I don’t know, maintenance like things. I would rather clean and cook and do nineteen loads of laundry than figure out how to install the latest anti-virus software on my 2009 laptop.

But, I think of how life was six months ago. May 2015. The month that we separated. At first I felt this incredible sense of freedom….but…now I feel anything but free. I don’t think that I took the time to really mourn the relationship…including the one that I had with my in-laws and step-daughters, because I miss them. A LOT. when the girls were around, the mood was lighter, there was more laughter, and no, they weren’t perfect, and yes, I was awkward in many moments, but…I love them so very much, and I’ve made the decision not to see them on a regular basis. They already have one set of divorced parents…they don’t need another divorce relationship to manage. I know that they miss their dog, which I struggle with A LOT lately…. I thought that I had been “filtering” my photos so that the girls weren’t seeing them on Facebook. Turns out they saw every photo of Maggie…. I decided to give up my Facebook account…I can’t figure that kind of stuff out…and really, half the people on there annoy me and I don’t need to see who “liked” what photo… And I can spend the time that I would on FB on….something like meditation….that I used to do very regularly when I took the train to work. But there is also my mother-in-law, who, kind of filled a ‘grandmother’ type role while I was so far away from my own. His brothers and sisters and their kids gave me the comforting sense of family that I missed. Since I had planned on staying married…well…forever, I began to think of them as my family. No, I thought of them as my family for some time. I didn’t quite know my place, but I liked being around all of them.

So why do I stay? Instability at work, missing my family, not too many friends, alone most of the time…I don’t know if I’ll move in 4 years and think, Wow, was I ever unhappy in Montreal, why did it take 4 years to move? Or, if I’ll think, Wow, I really miss my Montreal/Plateau life.

If I was in Edmonton, certainly I’d have more of a social network. I’d see my family more often and be closer…maybe I’d have a better job, I don’t know. I’d be so far away from my ex and his family that I would miss them less.

I don’t know what’s keeping me here. Pride? Fear? Maple Syrup? Laziness? Smoked Meat? Hope? A lease agreement until June 2016?

1 comment:

  1. Single people, young women in particular, usually have a circle of friends (real friends, not virtual friends) that make their lives more joyous.

    Also, a companionship, rather than a relationship with another person, creates a reliable partner to help out when needed, e.g., winter tires, repairs, etc. of which you can return the favor with things like lunches, dog-sitting, car rides, etc. (things of a non-sexual nature).

    Follow your heart, dear.