It's just after 9pm.
The only person I saw this weekend was my shrink. Well, the people at various shops, etc, but I mean that I spent the entire weekend alone.
This isn't the first weekend I've spent alone and it won't be the last. Of course I have my faithful companion, Maggie. But I needed a weekend alone. The week was a hard one, full of anxiety, fear, sadness, and panic. But one ending with a lot of learning about myself.
I still don't have any strong convictions on where I'll end up in life, but I made some decisions and actions to remove some of that anxiety and panic. I'm sure I'll share more as they unfold.
The past couple of weeks, I've been window shopping for Christmas gifts for my family and friends. I don't know the future and my month-to-month is a little tight so I'm trying to spread out the purchases so that I'm not hit so hard December.
I've also received the question as to what I'd like for Christmas. A very short tangible list (a pair of shoeties or booties or whatever they are called), but what I want for Christmas, or rather what I want for the new year....is a very, long, and maybe in some cases an impossible list.
Peace. I want my marriage to be over. Last year on New Year's Eve, I essentially learned that my marriage was over...I put on a happy face and tried to pretend that everything would be okay. That the next day would bring some miracle cure. Momentary calmness came, but the marriage ended anyway.
If you try to squeeze a square block into a round hole...it just won't go on. If said blocks were personified, The square block would try it's hardest to get into the round hole, trying harder and harder and vise versa. In the end one of the two would give up, frustrated that the other one couldn't be more square or couldn't be more round. Both blocks would blame the other, as they had both tried their hardest...but the other wouldn't budge. I want peace from the blame, the guilt, the failure.
Just because we both tried our bests, doesn't mean it's good enough if we were trying to fit a square block into a round one. I want peace and the confidence to know that I'm someone loveable. That I'm not this horrible creature that can't be lived with...which...some days (and I'm pretty sure this is normal for the divorce process) I feel that there's no one on earth that could possibly love me and respect me enough to want to stay with me. I want peace from this feeling.
Calm. I want calmness from the never.ending.shit.storm. One week I'm living in the condo, next week I'm house hunting, week after that I might lose my job, month after that I experience a devastating loss of a loved one, and just JUST when I think I might be getting life together, that maybe I can let my guard down a bit, a skunk takes over my life.
Tonight is the first night that I'm sleeping in my bed with proper sheets, a duvet cover and duvet, and proper pillows. The skunk incident...all in all will probably cost around $700 when all is said and done. Not a ton of money, but I'm not sure how I managed to get through this.
Peace and calm.
I still believe that I have a very long list of gratitude, but this year has simply sucked balls. This year, with the help of my family and friends, a good shrink, and the determination to make my life better for myself, I've barely made it through.
I have a month and a bit for Christmas. I don't think I'll be able to find what's on my list as fast as I want it.
But I'm going to try.