Halloween Fail

Plan for Oct 31, 2015:
  1. Shrink appointment
  2. Walk Maggie around the block in her very cute banana costume
  3. Pick up some Halloween-sized bags of chips (I don't really eat chips so this means I wouldn't chow down on any extra candy)
  4. Pick up some wine and something for me to drink at my Halloween party - hosted by my neighbours
  5. Attend Halloween party
  6. Have fun
  7. Meet new people

Actual events for Oct 31, 2015
  1. Went to the shrink (after the intense week I had it was very necessary)
  2. Walked Maggie in her costume, I think she liked the extra attention. The squirrels were a little relaxed so she ALMOST caught one and it made her year I think.
  3. Did not pick up any Halloween candy, decided I was going to rest and chill before my party.
  4. Went to SAQ (the liquor store here) and bought a nice bottle of wine for my hostesses and some kind of "light" alcoholic beverage that wouldn't make me drunk-drunk.
  5. Did not attend Halloween Party. Sat in my chair with the lights off in my house while watching Netflix and hearing the party above me.
  6. Did not have fun.
  7. Did not meet new people.

Last week was a very heavy-divorce week. Just when I think that things might be over, that things might be a bit more calm....I get knocked on my ass... I felt like I went nine rounds with Mike Tyson or current day's equivalent.

I couldn't get past that I would have to introduce myself to people....and that they would ask (kindly), Oh, what brought you to Quebec? What were you doing before? etc, etc, etc. I couldn't handle showing up to a party solo....Sure, I could have brought someone....but...still...I just couldn't manage it. I ate a pint of ice cream and put myself to bed around 9pm.

I stayed in bed the next morning (after the required walk around the block/squirrel & cat chasing & coffee pick up) and didn't get out until 3pm - most of it spent sleeping.

Now I know last week I didn't sleep well, I was EXTREMELY stressed (I think I wrote how I had a panic attack), had several extremely stressful days....and my body needed to recover.

But I'm finding it hard not to kick my own ass....I should have gone to the party....even for a couple of hours.

Life....as a divorcee....is difficult. Even more difficult is I'm stuck in this purgatory....where I'm not quite divorced and I'm not quite married... I have this person - who used to be my best friend - and we treat each other extremely harsh, have constant misunderstanding after misunderstanding, and try not to communicate to each other - even though I had planned on spending my entire life with this person. No amount of greatness/goodness/overall joyful things/experiences in my life can erase the hurt, stress, and rejection I feel from this divorce.

On a good day, it's a dull nagging ache, and on a bad day, it can ruin every breath that I take. I don't think anyone has a good divorce, I don't think mine is much harder than the average divorce... I guess I just expected things to be smoother (refer back to my "Disney Divorce Wish") since it was sort of amicable...

But it's not.

Moving took more energy than I thought. Living in the place I live in takes A LOT more energy and drains my brain more than I thought. Living the single life (with a little help from those that love me <3) is a lot harder than I thought... Living with a dog/knowing what to do with a dog is MUCH, MUCH harder than I thought (I dropped her on her back accidentally yesterday and she screamed....this freaks me out to no end...).

Generally leaving me an anxious mess. 

What's worse is that the people that I used to see on a regular basis, one could almost call them my friends, don't seem to understand that going out as....a divorced person....is difficult for me. I probably will cancel plans....multiple times... and they think I'm being a flake. It's not that at all. I have my outfit picked out, I've Googled how to get there using the transit, I've taken the dog on a long, long walk so that she's good to be left until the wee hours of the morning.....and then I take off my shoes and cancel.

A friend commented that this is natural and that I shouldn't beat myself up for it... which is much, much harder than one would think....

In the mean time....hopefully this is the start of a new, better week.

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