Last night, I took a prescribed Adavan (ativan?). I was supposed to take one last night and one around 8:30 this morning because I'll be in the dentist's chair for an hour getting an emergency root canal. I'm not sure what defines an "emergency" root canal, since I've known about it since Wednesday. I thought I had a broken crown....turns out it was a broken tooth caused by decay.
Years ago when I had dental work done, it was through what they called, "sedation dentistry" where they'd give me a little blue pill and I'd be wide awake but couldn't care if a plane crashed into the building. Today, I have Adavan.
When I found out about said dental work, I called my grandma in hysterics. It wasn't panic. It wasn't stress. I thought it was. But actually, it gave me an outlet to openly grieve.
When your every day is filled with something sad, but you're not depressed, you carry on your best. I've been carrying on my best, but the sadness of my grandfather's death can weigh in me sometimes. I call my grandma, I listen to music, doing whatever I can to try and keep him in my heart, like I'm scared he'll fly away or something. But the dentist news was just what my brain decided was enough of a reason to break down. To let my sadness be expressed.
After a long cry...I composed myself...driving a few blocks when I had to pull over again and cry. I called a friend...who could hardly understand my extreme reaction to an average dental procedure, but listened none the less....and cried some more.
After work, I met up with that friend for coffee - the moment I brought up the dental work, tears flowed openly in a busy café right near work...I didn't care. It was then that I really realized what was going on.
The tears weren't for the pain or fear of the dental work. The tears were for the loss I'm still grieving every day, but rationalizing that my life must go on, and I can't cry every day. I'm doing my best. But there will be days where my tears won't suit the moment...where my reactions will be exaggerated...and that's why.
I miss the presence that my grandpa had in my life. Though his suffering has ended, which I'm forever grateful for; though his memories will live on with me always....I still miss him, and as much as he would hate me to be sad, I'm very sad he's no longer with us.
I'm sure there will be tears today (there already has been...), but I know what they are for, and I'm not trying to hide them. They are tears of love for someone I've lost, someone very important to me, and it's okay to cry.