Today I spent nearly twelve hours opening up my home and my heart to a dear friend...who sits more on the side of romantic than plutonic.
Though I'm legally still married....though I thought I would meet a friend of a friend and go through the typical television inspired dating sequence...we started out as friends...then....we started to see a different side to one another.
I'm very much not ready for a full on relationship...whatever that means. We are exclusive, but we have prearranged "dates". I don't spend my weekends with him (sometimes I don't see him at all), and if I do it's a group activity on a Saturday or for a few hours on a Sunday.
We work (or worked, in my case) close to one another, so we often meet and walk each other to the furthest metro station...sometimes taking over an hour to walk a fifteen minute distance. We've shared our stories, we know each other very well, he's visited my home countless times...but today I stepped way, way, way out of my comfort zone and we celebrated Christmas together, with a meal, stockings and gifts, and spent an entire day...living together.
He used a knife in my kitchen to cut fruit...I made him my special coffee...we fell asleep watching a movie...
All wonderful things...a wonderful day...wonderful memories created...and I'm so very happy we were able to have the time together...
But I don't think I'll be doing it again for awhile.
Our prearranged dates, our scheduled time together...was a way to get close to someone I care about intimately...but still keep my life very separate. Having him
..in my life...creates...something painful that spills into the cracks of my heart that was broken and hasn't fully healed.
I'd love to write a post filled with photos and joy and excitement...and though I regret nothing, I will be going back to our scheduled dates, our meet ups to walk for an hour or so during the week...he's not going anywhere....thankfully to this point he's special enough to be patient...
It's not that I want to be back with my almost-ex-husband...it's that I am not strong enough to risk heartbreak again. It's not the way I want to live my life...but for now...it's too much for me to handle.
I am confident that time will heal my wounds.