I'm just happy that I made it through Christmas eve and Christmas day. I knew it would be difficult...but I had no idea just how difficult.
This was my first year without my husband, without the girls, and without my grandfather.
I caught a little bug so Christmas eve was spent at home, watching Christmas movies with my grandma, my dog, and her cat.
I woke up the next morning without any real emotion...kind of nervous...but ok. I napped, I slowly got ready, I hung out with my grandma until the rest of my family came over. I certainly didn't feel great but I didn't feel horrible.
Soon everyone was busy opening gifts. I was holding my precious new niece while my grandma opened the most magical of gifts. My cousin had arranged for all of my grandpa's favourite Hawaiian shirts to be made into a quilt. Every year my grandparents would visit Hawaii and he had a nice collection. He loved those shirts. I remember when we took a Hawaiian cruise together he would ask the wait staff every single morning if he could buy the shirt off their back. My cousin also arranged for his favourite dancing shirt to be made into a pillow.
As I was holding onto the baby...I was able to just have a few tears....but managed to be ok. But fifteen minutes later, I was a mess. I could have cried the rest of the night....huge sobs...I felt like I was in pain...thankfully an aunt came on...I held on to her for dear life it (or so it felt).
The rest of the night was a bit of a daze. Thankfully I managed to squeeze in a visit with my friend and her kids who cuddled me back to health.
I am a very blessed and lucky person, but I feel like this is a very difficult time.