Tonight, I finally signed my separation agreement.
While the relationship part of things was over long, long ago (I guess), this feels like the hardest part of the process.
I felt weak after I left (more on that later), so I took a taxi home...thankfully the taxi driver got me talking...or else I think I would have quietly whimpered/cried the entire way home like I did until I got in the taxi.
While my new job rocks (a lot)...I've been struggling with my health...which makes for long evenings...Once I hit the seat of the bus...it's donezo for me...
I try to tidy up, get a little workout in, tend to the dog...but I find myself too tired to move. Next post I'll talk about what I'm doing to try to get rid of this damn sickness....but tonight...I barely have the energy to cry...but can't seem to get myself to stop tearing up...I can't help but feel hopeless.
I think that I will build a very happy life for myself...that even on most days I have a happy life...but tonight I feel hopeless that I'll ever be able to find someone to love...that loves me back...and live happily ever after.
I think in the big picture, I'm a pretty good person, have desirable qualities, am generally attractive, and would make a good partner.
But after reading my separation and divorce agreements...and paying money to have them prepared...and having to deal with lawyers to end a union...that is supposed to be forever...well, it casts a pretty negative outlook on the entire, "love" aspect of my life.
I miss having someone to nag to make sure they eat a minimum of 5 vegetables per day (it's my thing....I'm weird). I miss laughing with about something completely ridiculous and inappropriate with someone. The hardest...not going to sleep...holding someone's hand.
I know that I have a good life and that tomorrow will be a new day with most likely a brighter outlook in general.
But love...romantically....again...a relationship with the good, bad, and ugly? Pessimistic view at this point.
Goodnight online world.