Showing posts from February, 2016


I'm stuck in a rut....maybe it's the winter blues...maybe it's dealing with a divorce + starting a new job + another stressful situation + the weather.

I love the new job. What was going to be a research project for a new employee (me) is turning out to be a complex audit they said couldn't be done, with me as, 'Audit in Charge'. I love the confusion, the huge amounts of data and new information to process, and learning a new company.

There's one glitch I haven't figured out how to write about or deal with (yes, it's the Subway Stress post)...

There's also the fact that my ex husband and I are in no-speaking/no-contact agreement (which makes me far more sane and happy....but it's a kick for sure for things to have come to this point).

And my Special Person sometimes creates more uncertainty in my life than not. Another ball to juggle....when I could just stay single...and not have an extra person to care about.
I'm certainly seeing the glas…

The dates

I managed pretty well to not notice as February 11th and 12th past. Five years ago, on the 11th, I was getting married. Five years ago on the 12th, I was landing in Paris with Louis.But only TWO years ago today, Louis proposed....while we were in Edmonton, with a giant freaking sapphire from Madagascar....and we recommitted deciding that we were worth another go and that this time we'd do it right.One year ago, on February 11th, we were out for dinner, celebrating our anniversary. It was a very tense and not very happy memory...which makes me all the more sad.I'm happier now that we're apart...but some days...the memories of the bad times are worse than the memories of the good. I hope and pray that he's doing well. We failed at marriage and we failed at an amicable divorce...I know these are temporary feelings....that tomorrow is a new day...but for today...well, it sucks.


I've written a little bit about my Special Person...
We met quite awhile back....have little in common....but somehow managed to form a pretty strong bond.
I'm not ready or...willing to have what most people would call, a "full time boyfriend". But...I'm ready to spend some of my time with someone that I care deeply about, while I work out some stuff on my own. Luckily (I guess?), Special Person has some pretty major responsibilities right now that take up a lot of his it works.
We didn't really discuss Valentine's Day, and it's not really a big deal for either of us....but I wanted to give him a little gift.
Since I've been back from my trip from Alberta, I've been really sick on and off and he's been RIDICULOUSLY busy, making us both want to stay in bed....and share tea and toast.
Things won't always be so hectic and thankfully I got better....but I still dream about a day of "tea and toast".
I tried to find …

On the 6th Day

Today marks the 6th working day since my metaphorical “Subway Stress” began.

For the first five days, I took a taxi to work. A taxi is between $14 and 17....where as my bus...well, my bus pass costs me $80/month....and I have ONE bus to take to work that takes less than half an hour.
Most mornings since my Subway Stress (see last post), I nearly call in sick....and then I turn on CBC radio, hoping that my regular morning routine will kind of kick my brain into “Let’s get out of bed” mode. (Usually when the radio starts, I have a little yapping dog asking to get out of her cage (unless it’s really, really cold, in which case she wants to sleep the rest of the Canada...).)

I repeated the mantra, “Just get to work. Just get to work. Just get to work.”
I told myself, that I was struggling, and that while I’m struggling, I’m going to take a taxi. I can’t change my thoughts overnight, I can’t magically be ok with something that I’m not, so if it takes me a taxi, then it takes me a ta…

Subway Stress

I've started and restarted this post a dozen times. I'm not sure how to write it.
Last year....I'm a bit embarrassed to admit, I had EXTREME anxiety about riding the subway in Montreal. I would sweat...I would NEVER take it alone...and my first week and a half after I moved, I took a taxi. Taxis are not in my budget.If you ask me today when my anxiety went away, I can't remember because it feels like a million years ago. I don't have a second (or first) thought now when I take the subway.So. Last week there incident. I have what I would define as an extremely stressful problem that causes me enough anxiety that I spent a good thirty minutes in the bathroom at work bawling and at least an hour trying not to cry at my desk. Week three and crying in front of the boss? Not my best moment. I'll fully admit that I had a MAJOR week going on personally and I was completely the tears were an overreaction I probably wouldn't have had otherwis…

2016 Resolutions

Well, one month into 2016 and I haven’t written once about my resolutions.

They are:
1.Keep a gratitude journal
2.Learn and practice self-acceptance
3.Be open to love
4.Start a travel fund
5.Meet with a financial planner
6.Move into a place that I love and can afford in July
7.Spend less than $20/month on coffee/at cafe’s
8.Practice compassion

Phew. Some pretty hefty resolutions....

1.Keep a gratitude journal
Done and DONE!!! It’s actually an app that i downloaded on my phone, and every day there is a little reminder set to write down what I’m grateful for. Since being sick since January 4th and doing the divorce mambo, some days have been, “The really really good soup I ate for supper” was what I was grateful for. But I do it every night before I go to bed, and it FORCES me to think positive before I fall asleep. The app also lets me look back to the earlier entries...some are serious, some are moving, and some are ridiculous....

2.Learn and practice self-acceptance
There are a few things that pre…

Love those well-timed emails....

I receive daily or weekly emails from one of my favorite blogs,

They're not explaining some complicated rocket-science theory, but they write gentle reminders about every day things. Today I received an email with the subject:

5 Ways to Find Peace of Mind in Tough Times

Well, thank you for the perfect timing. Even this morning as I rode the bus....I couldn't stop thinking about the last few weeks...wondering just what will happen and what is so wrong with ME that this would happen. The email snapped me out of it.

So read away:

5 Ways to Find Peace of Mind in Tough Times

1. See the difference between who YOU are and what you’re going through.

You are more than whatever is troubling you. A very real part of you exists beyond your worries, beyond your doubts, independent from the troubles and frustrations of the present moment. Step back and observe yourself as you experience each moment. Be present. Watch yourself as you think, as you take action, as …

Survival of the Fittest

In my nearly thirty-six years, I've done some pretty impressive things. I'm not boasting or bragging, I think most of us have done some pretty impressive things, in our own way.

I've nearly summited Mount Kenya, off by 200 meters. I've managed to go to lunch by myself with no transportation but a rickshaw in the middle of an island off the coast of Africa after being in Madagascar for only one month. I have successfully filled my car with antifreeze liquid without anyone teaching me. (I'm serious. I was pretty proud of that last one!)

But what I can't seem to do - is get through this divorce.

I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm totally lost. I'm confused. I'm doubting myself, my actions, my convictions.

For every one time I've given in and said, Go ahead, have it your way; there have been three times that I've said, No way, over my dead body.

For what?

I've built a relationship, a marriage, a life. And now I've built an enemy.