I've started and restarted this post a dozen times. I'm not sure how to write it.
Last year....I'm a bit embarrassed to admit, I had EXTREME anxiety about riding the subway in Montreal. I would sweat...I would NEVER take it alone...and my first week and a half after I moved, I took a taxi. Taxis are not in my budget.
If you ask me today when my anxiety went away, I can't remember because it feels like a million years ago. I don't have a second (or first) thought now when I take the subway.
So. Last week there was....an incident. I have what I would define as an extremely stressful problem that causes me enough anxiety that I spent a good thirty minutes in the bathroom at work bawling and at least an hour trying not to cry at my desk. Week three and crying in front of the boss? Not my best moment. I'll fully admit that I had a MAJOR week going on personally and I was completely exhausted...so the tears were an overreaction I probably wouldn't have had otherwise.
(I have to mention that in my field I deal with a lot of fighting, difficult characters, intense situations...and as long as it's at work....it rarely bothers me. Which is the COMPLETE opposite of my personal life...)
So. I had a stressful incident at work (that I'm still trying to figure out how to describe in a neutral and sensitive way). I reacted to the a little on the heavy side, but my damage control and how I handled myself post-tears was at a rockstar level.
(And the moment I came home I bawled for a couple of hours...but again, I was long overdue. Thankfully I was with a friend and Maggie).
So now I have a stressful, let's call, "subway ride" that causes me anxiety. All day. I've taken a taxi to work every day since this anxiety causing incident...because every morning I cringe at the idea of "having to take the subway". But I know the more that I'm exposed to "the subway", the less anxiety I will feel and I'll learn to adapt.
That's the thing about us humans....if we put our minds to it and change our perspective, we can change every single day millimeter by millimeter...and we can overcome our fears.
In the meantime, the anxiety.....and the stress that I feel...is no fun party. Like every day I battle with my mind. I have to stop myself from trying to "fix" the situation. It's not something I can fix, it's something that takes time.
I feel that I'll adapt...but on days when I'm overtired, I want to hide at my desk....or in my bed....and totally avoid the situation.
But where would I be if I hadn't have started taking the subway?
The next few weeks....maybe more...are going to be difficult. I have to put on a brave front while I learn to let go of my anxiety and realize that I can do anything I put my mind to.
In the mean time....I have to just do my best at a job that I'm giving me a lot of fun and rewarding experiences....and I'm only going into week 4!