It's been quite a week.
From realizing that I think primarily in black and white; to admitting that I'm in a period of "mourning" over my marriage and missing my ex in a, "I miss you but never want to see you" kind of way; to just sitting back and thinking about myself and life as it is today....and realizing that I'm not the total disaster that I sometimes think I am.
It's impossible to experience any kind of major loss without changing as a person. The change might not be huge. Or, the change might be dinosaur-sized.
Several times a week, I think about my grandfather, who passed away six months ago now. I am truly, truly blessed, because 90% of the time that I think about him, I remember a man larger than life, cracking jokes, while reading the newspaper and eating his morning Corn Flakes. What a wonderful gift he & my family have given me so that I almost never remember him when he was so ill and weak. Those unsettling memories pop up occasionally but are far and few between.
Unfortunately the same can't be said for my marriage. The memories...can haunt me. I still struggle because marriage to me means forever and also I struggle to let go of the desire to have an amicable ending, like in some ridiculous movie, where we meet for coffee regularly. That train left the station long ago.
For my ex, I wish him the best health, the best job, the happiest of times. For the girls, I hope they are happy and well...and that they never think of me again and never miss Maggie or feel like I ditched them. And me? My divorce wish is that when I have memories (good or bad), that I let them pass....like clouds, and try not to judge myself or feel hurt or regret.
It will be sometime before any of those wishes come true...
After a long but successful week, yesterday ended with quite a punch. After a day with highs and lows, I was bitten as I passed by a large dog. Thankfully I was wearing leather gloves or he would have broken skin. I didn't stay around because I wasn't seriously injured (but my hand sure hurts today!) and because it was all I needed to start the waterworks. I'm so fearful of feeling sadness or loss that I avoid it...and it explodes once I have what my mixed up brain decodes as a "valid" reason. I had barely crossed the street before the tears fell.....and the more I walked the harder they fell, until I came home and literally collapsed (again) on the floor. Crying for every memory. Every feeling I tried to avoid. Every moment lost.
Thankfully I phoned a friend, vented, got myself together and ate supper before crashing in front of Law & Order (my absolute favorite show when I'm unsettled).
Life right now is going to be a little different. I am going to be a little different.
And...Ima-changin. And I've changed. And I have to quit chasing the idea of who I used to be, and appreciate who I am today. Because of my experiences. Because of my losses.
Cause in the end, I'm different than before.....but I'm not so shabby. :)