Lean on Me


I had a shitty day yesterday. Epic shitty.


What I realized is that although the divorce is almost official – I have....some “recovery time” before I’m actually over the divorce.  While the lawyer phone calls and appointments and back and forth was happening, I was in the moment, hurt, and dealing with each detail as it came.

 

Now that everything is over and signed and done, I’m dealing with the aftershocks.

 

And it sucks.


And it’s the last month of “official” winter. And I started a new job that’s awesome but exhausting (as any new job would be). And I’m ridiculously hard on myself and discouraged when I don’t feel “happy”.

 

 

On the way home last night from work, I tried to talk to my Special Person about it, but I couldn’t get many words out. I don’t want to start a relationship while I’m dealing with the aftershocks of a divorce. But, I don’t want to push a special person out of my life...

 

I ended up in tears, at the subway station, embarrassingly trying to explain that I was ok, and just totally mortified that I can’t control my emotions.

 

I ended up getting on the subway alone (at my request), crying the entire way, then getting on the bus, crying the entire way, then walking home, crying the entire way, and opening the door to home and sitting on in my entryway while the dog tried to attack me. She doesn’t understand this crying thing but she refuses to let me hug her, she tries non-stop to lick my face off....and considering we’re talking about an animal that would chose to eat her poo in winter (the vet called them poopsicles and told me this was normal), I decided that I was crying too hard to be by myself, so I called my youngest cousin.

 

I figured she’d be around (there is a two hour time difference) and I just needed someone who would listen.

 

So she listened. And let me cry.

 

I’m sure that it’s not nice to get a phone call from 4000km away while the person on the other end is crying, but....I needed someone just to vent to. To tell my heartbreak of a failed marriage and a divorce that resulted in a relationship where we can’t speak or email the other. And to cry about the shitty times that we had during our marriage, where we/I fought the good fight because we thought that all marriages go through shit. And to cry about the family that i considered my own that was now just his. And to cry about the losses that I went through last year.

 
 

Last night and early this morning I was racked with guilt.
 


How could I call someone and just dump on them like that? She has her own life shit to deal with, how could I add to it? How could I cry in front of SP and just leave him at the subway? Why couldn’t I just deal with everything?
 

It’s the last sentence that started to lift the guilt. 
 

I can’t handle everything.
 

I can’t handle a divorce, the loss of my grandpa, the loss of everything that comes with a marriage, a new job, a budding relationship, an upcoming move (I’m moving July 1st to a new place – TBD but still in Montreal). I can’t handle it by myself and that’s what friends and family are for.

 

I have some rough waters to cross... but I don’t have to do it alone. No one can solve my problems, but I can share them with my loved ones and they can ride in the boat with me.

 

It still feels weird to call someone just to cry. It feels weird to admit that I need help.

 

But it’s better than drowning in the rough waters alone.

 

I’m still a bit shaky today. But very, very thankful for the ones that love me. Wherever they are in the world.  

1 comment:

  1. I still follow your blog. I guess you know that. I almost always comment, then delete it before publishing. This time I thought I would take a chance and let you know that life gets easier, once you realize that life is just a one-time adventure (like climbing Mount Kenya) and if you do not judge its experiences as either good or bad, you can breeze through it without as many tears.

    Since Mada, like all of us, I've had my share of ups-and-downs, cheers and tears. Some memories are in my heart forever, others are in my head and I wish they would get out. Regardless, I carry on because I never know what amazing experiences might come my way; either from my choosing, or from some mysterious God. Or, as Homer Simpson said, "Life is just a bunch of shit that happens."

    ReplyDelete