I'm at home. By myself. Kinda lonely. Kinda feeling sorry for myself. Kinda having an identity crisis.
When I was in my twenties, I was quite social and usually...the life of the party. Every Friday and Saturday night, I'd be out with friends, dancing, meeting people, drinking, being a total goof. Most of the people that knew me then think that I'm different now...and they miss the old Nicole.
What they didn't know then was that I was always so outgoing, so over-the-top, so much fun, because I was trying to escape how crappy I felt inside.
Now they know me as a more quiet, more serious, and less goofy of a person. I still have the same offbeat sense of humor, but it's less likely to present itself...because I can't hide from how crappy I feel & kind of have a lot on my plate.
I've been working pretty hard (ok RIDICULOUSLY hard) the last two years or so to feel less crappy; to be at peace with my emotions and myself; and to try to be less harsh and judgemental of myself and others. And I don't know who I am anymore.
Given the right circumstances, I'd love to go out dancing, but the drinking has long lost it's appeal. Headaches and sick stomachs after only a couple cocktails...has kind of ruined it for me. I love the interesting and intricate drinks that some of the upscale bars make....but I hate the way I feel the next morning. Maybe it's because I don't drink very often....or maybe it's just not my thing anymore.
The true friends that I still keep accept the calmer....more docile me...but I get the occasion comment now and again that I'm not like how I used to be. No one likes change....myself included.
While I can learn to accept these changes....I don't who know I am anymore. Am I the world traveler? Am I the homebody? Am I the one without any friends because I don't "go out" like I used to? Am I the bitter divorcée never wanting to fall in love again? Am I ruled by anxiety? Or maybe just an introvert?
I wish I had the answers.