Grief and stuff

Monday I took a taxi home from a café after meeting with my new landlord. It was very cold, I didn’t know the bus schedule in the area, and my cell phone was dead and I couldn’t use my GPS. The taxi drive was from Haiti. But he his mannerisms and character reminded me of my grandpa SO MUCH.

He was mostly retired, but decided to drive a taxi for some extra money. I’m pretty sure my grandpa would have driven ANYTHING for some extra money.
 

He was "the driver" and I remember calling him for directions past my mid-twenties.


I was on a pretty big high because I had just signed my lease. So I shared my excitement with this friendly, joking man.


And then I tried not to think about it.
 

And since then, I have been struggling. Extremely anxious at work. Worrying about work. Worrying about non-work. I kept thinking to myself…What is going on with my brain? I have a great job. I’m doing well. I have a new apartment. I have the best dog ever. I’m getting some peace in my life. But I was angry, anxious, and not feeling well.

 
I went for a walking lunch with my dear friend. Whom I got very upset with….well, for whatever reason I could invent….and then just broke down. I cried hard. I don’t think he knew what was happening, yet he knew that something important was happening. I continued to cry…I told him I took that taxi home on Monday. I had to stop talking because I thought that if I continued I would cry so long that I wouldn’t be able to return to work. But I cried and he held me, in the middle of a set of stairs, and I finished my story. I told him everything. How the taxi driver reminded me of my grandpa. How my grandpa would have been the best taxi driver in Edmonton. Or bus driver. How I was angry at myself because I wanted to be grateful for Monday’s experience. How lucky am I that I got to have such a nice taxi ride home with someone that reminded me of him? Instead I was just sad. I am sad. 
 

After gramps first passed, I had a few photos up, but I found it to be too upsetting. When I visited Edmonton, I was overwhelmed with feelings when I stayed at my grandma’s because he was everywhere. Not just in the photos…but everything reminded me of him. I knew that this would be a difficult visit because it was my first time back since the funeral…but I wasn’t expecting something so hard. I still don't have any photos up in my place of him. Hopefully….in my new place…
 

Even though every night I pray that he is safe and okay….I haven’t been able to accept that…the world moves on….without him. I would be able to display

I want to put up fantastic photos of him in my house. There are some great memories. I want to able to remember him and tear up as needed. But, my brain hasn’t….come to terms that the world didn’t stop turning when he took his last breath. 
 

To date, I have a few songs that I listen to while I’m driving that remind me of him. When they come on, I think about him as if he was in the passenger seat driving with me, wondering what he would think of this crazy Montreal place. Wishing that he was able to meet Maggie (he loved his dogs). But that’s as far as it goes. I’m stuck. In limbo of sorts.


I need to let go so that I can properly grieve. He wouldn’t want me to be this sad. But he would want me to remember him. And the memories. He’d want me to keep the memories close to me. I guess, that’s all I want to. I’m just not sure how to get there.

2 comments:

  1. People are in our lives for a time, and then they're gone. It sucks and it often hurts for a very long time; until we realize that all of them contributed to the evolution of our soul.

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  2. Grief brings many things and feelings, happy, sad, anger and sometimes all at once. Then, when ur ready, the feelings turn into warm memories and how thankful you are that you had them in your life, even if it wasn't long enough.
    ❤️❤️❤️

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