Much needed vent.
It's been a long time since I've just rambled, and maybe I need to do more of it on a regular basis, because I have neglected the blog when I need it the most.
The last few months have been total shit. Don't get me wrong. I laugh. A lot. I see the humor in every day life and I have a pretty good group of people surrounding me. But they aren't my close friends. They aren't my family. They aren't my expat family. They aren't my....ex-family. They aren't my Alberta friends (although I have one very, very special person that is there. A lot. But, my brain isn't sure how things work out with that. That's for another post).
I just don't get - and I'll never get - but it's also unlikely that I will never stop trying to get - why people can be so incredibly fucked up.
What I'd like in the world is for everyone to ask themselves this question multiple times per day:
Does it cause me more energy to be a total asshole-spazz-douchebag and fret about a certain event/comment/whatever for an entire weekend?
Or does it use less energy to assume the best in that person that pissed me off, to spend five minutes to OPENLY discuss whatever offended me, and let it pass?
I deal with one particular person every day and this person LOOKS to be offended. He seeks it. I've pissed off my fair share of people and I've received emails from losers in red bold font (at work, of course), and I've managed to deal with it.
This particular person has some kind of issue with me....and it's freaking enough. If he has to go out of his way to be a jerk to me, to be offended by me, he will take the long road, instead of looking around and seeing that 99% of the people that I deal with at work actually ENJOY working with me...well, that's that. Some days I can let it go, other days, I'm just frustrated and....well, I know he represents a very small percentage of the population, but it just makes me question....some aspects of humanity.
I'm no saint. I screw up all the time. I'm probably rude at times and I've offended a gazillion people. But my heart is true. I may be a little messed up, I may have my ways about me, but I'm a good, nice person. I just want a freaking break.
And let's talk a moment about priorities. I try SO freaking hard to get everything done, for everything to be perfect, to get home at a decent time so that I can workout, get ready for the next day, get enough sleep for the next day, make my lunch to save money, have time to to meditidate because it's good for my anxiety (and a gazillion other things), walk the dog, do laundry, blah blah blah blah.
Tonight? I stayed out talking with that special person until 730. We sat on a concrete bench, just chatting about whatever. It was clear that he needed to vent/chat/enjoy the outdoors. But in my mind, I was like, crap I have to go home to get everything done so that I'm less hurried in the morning and I'm less anxious and blah blah blah blah.
Take a freaking deep breath. The workout - it's done. So I'm eating supper at 9pm. So I'll go to bed later than expected, I won't prep my lunch, I won't walk the dog (just take her outside to pee quick) and I'll be tired tomorrow. Isn't that what coffee is for and don't I freaking love coffee????
In this busy city lifestyle, I'm filled with number one top priorities....and for what? To make sure I get the recommended eight hours of sleep per night? (Ok, sleep is important. But once in awhile....).
Living by myself, I've gotten so much into MY OWN routine that I've forgotten that I used to live in a jungle where my routine was....well, my routine was to get up and go to work but I had to wing it. A lot. I need to take a deep breath. Remember what's REALLY important to me - which is to be nice and kind and thoughtful. And to HAVE fun and joy.
Ok, so the last few months or so I needed a routine so that I could figure my shit out learning how to live alone again. But now I need to start to let loose a bit. Go buy a Groupon to travel somewhere on a Saturday instead of spending it at home "resting" from my week.
I'd need a lot less "resting" if I just enjoyed life - instead of freaking out about it.
Sounds easy, hey?
I gotta go. It's past 9pm and I haven't eaten my supper. Or walked the dog.
For some reason I think that sun will still rise tomorrow.