My family of four ♥

Sad post ahead....

There has been a lot of progress on my beat up body this week....but I'm still not able to walk very long without pain and my mouth is still not back to normal after my surgery. I'm focusing on the positives on my foot because I've been granted permission by the physio gods to start using a stationary bike...which was pure heaven for me because until now I've been doing things like Pilates and weights....craving some cardio to just go, go, Go. 

Yet somehow this week, there has been so much talk of my previous life. A friend on Facebook asked a question about how they keep track of all of the paper in their house. I had a good idea that worked for me, and I started out my answer with, "When I was a family of four....."... and those words still haunt me.

When I was a family of four...I knew that one liked this type of yogurt and the other liked this type of bread....the tiny extra extra small ginchies belonged to this one and this one liked this kind of frozen pizza... Even in my worst days... I tried to take care of them in my own way....I looked out for them...

I remember we went to watch the fireworks somewhere and it was so busy... There was a sketchy looking homeless man and I put myself between one of the girls and the man... I remember being so angry at one of their classmates that had been super bitchy. I was so enraged at that classmate who was all of 15 years old... I was beside myself with anger.... 

I remember having an odd and awkward argument with one of the girls...and then having the opportunity to talk to her later, on our way home from the gym, admitting that I'm fumbling my way around teenagers and that I make mistakes all the time, but that I love her and consider it such a blessing that she was in my life...

I remember hearing one of them saying, "Oh, that's my step-mom" and bursting with pride. 

I remember the moments when all four of us were on the couch (five if Maggie was there....) watching TV.. 

And I never said goodbye. 

Things got so ugly and complicated with their dad, that I decided it was best if they just thought I was a screwed up jerk....and let them just be mad at me for stealing their dog....and then they'd be too angry to miss me.... 

They would all be happier without me...some kind of calm would come over their household now that one of the problems had left...and their lives would happily go on. I would be but a distant memory...

I rarely talk about my family of four. I made that choice to not continue my relationship with the girls...because I thought it would be easier for them if I wasn't in their lives...but maybe it was in part to protect me too....I was heartbroken to lose everything that came with a marriage - the husband, the in-laws, the mutual friends. Some days I still feel that heartbreak, even though I try not to dwell on the past.

I stumble across photos....never sure what to do with them...

I have all kinds of memories that are too painful to remember...so I block them out. And try to think of that as a past life...

May 2015. Just over a year ago. 

I hope that I'm right and that they think of me very little, that they are all very happy, calm, and living their lives to the fullest. I imagine them with a new bulldog that their dad has trained that both annoys them and makes them laugh a lot. Two growing girls and one dad...a family of three...that used to be my family of four. 

Falling forward (hopefully not down the stairs)....life moves on. 

1 comment:

  1. What if life is a staircase? At the top is who we will be after stumbling our way up, occasionally falling down, climbing back up...

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