Living, Breathing, Feeling, and Loving....Life goes on.
I wore a $10 dress I bought in Hawaii....it was the eve before Cyclone Giovanna, certainly the largest cyclone that we would experience in our lifetime in Madagascar.
Do you know...it truly was my dream wedding. I could never imagine myself having a "traditional" wedding. Walking down the isle. Hundreds of people staring at me in a clean, pristine, white dress that I had picked out months in advance, followed by a formal ceremony with speeches and a dance while everyone was watching me....
So instead, we had this party...with very little planning, a lot of bribing of the local authorities...and YOU managed to organize it almost all yourself.
We had our share of ups and downs....but we thought it was normal.
My only regret....and this regret still follows me, is that there wasn't an easier way to end things. A divorce ceremony as beautiful as our wedding...a way out of this relationship that was as respectful as our way into the relationship. Lawyers, hurt, frustration, emotional overload...a chaotic mix....
Every so often I have the urge to write you an email...to make sure that you are ok...to see if you need anything... I miss the girls so much that it's painful to think of them....but then I remember where we left off....the lawyers, the hurt, the frustration, the emotional overload, the chaotic mix...and then think it's best to leave you be, to send my best wishes into the universe and hope that they reach you.
I certainly don't regret this day, or trying my best, because it means that I'm ALIVE. I am human. I make mistakes. I fall hard and life can keep kicking me when I'm down....but I'm still alive. Breathing, feeling, living, and learning.
Of course I wish that things had turned out differently. They didn't.
I was once your wife, an attempted step-mom, your best friend. Now I am not. I am a different person entirely. Maybe you are too.
I'm sure you're somewhere on same path that I am....wanting to have peace, calm, happiness, and love. I hope you're somewhere good on that path. I am. (Did I really just write that?).
So today is certainly a bittersweet one, and I almost forgot about it....but I'm glad I didn't. This time last year I felt like a complete loser, a failure, a horrible wife, a jerk.... This year...I feel like I am human, imperfect, and that I've been lucky to have all of the experiences that I've had in my life. And that I'm on the right path.