Calm after the Storm(s)

Well, so much has happened since I last wrote…
  • A snowstorm (like a serious one). And yes, snowstorms happen back in the “country” back where I’m y’all from y’all….but we have like…1/10 of the population (made up number – but its much less) and 1/100000 of the construction (not a made up number – it’s ridic here)
  • I went blonder and finally finally FINALLY got glasses! Mine were eaten by a puppy (but full sized) boxer I was babysitting…and since I’m like blind….they usually run me around seven bills, and I don’t often just have seven bills lying around that I want to spend on glasses
  • I was in a small fender bender (with no damage) and the guy road raged on me and I had to call the police And of course, the piece de resitance:
  • I completed the third week at my new job.


The new job isn’t like any other. It was previously a private company, kind of has that “old boys’ club” that kind of reminds me of a 50 year old company that I’d work for in Alberta. (We aren’t 50 years old). They went public in the last few years so there has been A LOT of adjustment and movement in the company.

It's also a bit of a commute - but not really. It's just that I have to DRIVE. THIS has been a big change for me and is making me want to move to a different area of the city. Because I drive a WHOPPING 30 – 35 minutes to work and between 40 – 60 minutes home. The only thing is….that it’s traffic. Bumper to bumber. Average speed of 23km/hr. It’s not always that bad, but it’s not always that good either. I will probably need GPS nearly every day – because depending on what road is closed where – I need to take an alternate route.
That’s not a big deal.

My boss is young(ish), hip, and has an open style management. My main other coworker is funny, kind, and like ridiculously polite at times. He carries things for me - in a non-sexist way. I have been invited to eat at a “lunch group” which is very, very, very kind – the last thing I want is to be like, OH, yah, I’m too busy, I’ll just eat at my desk, and then cry in the bathroom because I have no friends. (Even though….I kinda feel too busy and want to eat at my desk? But I’m also trying to be less like, “MY JOB IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD NEXT TO PROTECTING THE PRESIDENT BEFORE TRUMP” and chill out a bit. I need to socialize more, get to know my collegues more, and appreciate the relaxed environment.

I think it was on day 3 or 4, where I was doing a general menial task, that I was like, ohhhh yeah. I am so my job. This job is in my blood. I am a dork about it, but in the best way….cause I’m 37, so it’s it nice that I like being attached to this type of work?

Here’s the biggest problem at work.

ME.

Due to my last two positions….where I felt the rug ripped out from under me and then I was off the market for 7 months….I feel like a complete….insecure wreck. I’ve talked to my shrink about ways to manage my stress, all these different techniques, tricks, and behaviors, and I’m doing most of them, most days….but there are days where I:
  • am kind of stressed all day (for no apparent reason)
  • leave for the weekend - already have made up my mind that I'm going to work Sundaybecause I don’t feel like I’ve contributed enough
  • leave at 4pm because my eyes are burning (like actually hurting me)
  • drive five minutes, then try to find my phone because I need GPS to get home, and then can’t find it, so natch I:
    • pull over, tear my purse, bag, jacket, and anything else apart for 12 minutes while sweating
    • then start praying that I’ll find it
    • find it
    • start crying
    • pull over for 30 minutes while I sob to my boyfriend on the phone because I'm "a complete screw up" and because "I couldn’t find my phone for the longest time". OH, and, "I’m probably going to get fired because I’m not as productive as I think I should be and my boss was sick for two days and one of those days he was at work and he wasn’t his smiling self – so he’s probably thinking of firing me".

Yeah. Those rational moments where the world is ending. I’m sure those are some awesome phone calls to be on the other end of.....

So, I stayed in the parking lot after I spoke to said boyfriend, decided that I was ok to drive, went to the Dairy Queen drive thru (the obvious choice....), ordered a blizzard with peanut butter filling IN THE MIDDLE (What is this?? Did DQ always have this????), and then eat that as I drive home, carefully following the GPS, watching the minutes go from 47 to 42…telling myself I could do anything for 42 minutes….

Then arriving to my neighborhood and seeing all of the “NO PARKING DUE TO SNOW REMOVAL” signs, wonder where the hell I’m going to park, find a parking spot, say hello to Maggie, sweep the floors because the boyfriend is coming over instead of us meeting downtown for drinks like we usually do on a Friday night (because sweeping makes a difference at this point??!!), going into the shower and washing my hair (my hair felt dirty on the way home. Don’t know why. But you can see my rationality wasn’t exactly a strong point tonight) …., start crying again, then get scared because the dog heard me crying – and she hates me crying – so she was trying to get into the shower to lick my face. Which made me cry more.

The rest of the night was talking, cuddling, and just…. coming back to neutral. It’s been so long since I’ve had a full on panic attack where I totally lose my shit….I’m just exhausted.

And I’m up tomorrow at 8h30 for a freaking long day that goes non stop until 19h00.

Life is good. I just need to work on….relaxing that life is good and letting my guard down. I don’t want to spend my life worrying what crisis waiting around the corner….but for the past few years….I kind of feel like I’ve been dealing with one after the other…..

Next post: How I managed to survive a blizzard by myself without losing my mind….for too long. 

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