Right in front of my eyes

Hmmm....how to start this without sounding like a crazy.

Well....I've always been...sensitive. Emotional. Unpredictable. My feelings are strong & uplifting like an air balloon ride or drown me like the fly in my drink. 

At some point in my life, I made sure that I was SOOooo busy (work, training for some race, school, socializing, etc, etc), that I didn't leave any room for my feelings. This technique worked SO awesome, until it didn't. 

I have been on anti-depressants the majority of my life (and have no shame in telling you - finally), but something was out of wack. Long story short, pills weren't working, therapy wasn't working, personal development wasn't working... and VERY long story long, things are now....starting to work out. 

Maybe it came with age, maybe it came after years and years working on my problems and myself...who cares. Things are changing faster than I can keep up with. 

But...I'm haven't allowed myself to experience joy the way that I used to. 

I have continually kept comparing myself to the "Nicole of 2008", or "Nicole of 2010".. but I'll share a little secret with you. It's 2018. If I had stayed the same....well, that wouldn't be very good. Everything changes, everyone changes, and all I can do is just hope that the people in my lifeaccept me for who I am today.... and if not, well, it's been nice to know you, but I've got shit to do. 

So no more comparing. (Ok, *trying* to not compare...it's a process). 

I sat for awhile on Saturday, trying to think of a list of things I can do that bring me joy. I couldn't think of anything. Nothing....created that spark. I felt guilty. 

But then I stopped feeling guilty. Why don't I take a risk and try....ice skating? Maybe I'll fall in love with skating (unlikely). There's something out there that I love. I just have to find it. 

Or...even better...

I just have to see what's in front of me.

Completely random moments. That were joyful. That passed through my sieve of a brain once I had a bad day. 

Yeah - for sure I need to work to create more moments of joy - but I need to learn to see those joyful moments when they arise. 

I know it sounds like I'm thinking too much. Analyzing the crap out of this. But...that's how my brain works. All of the melancholy or shitty moments....they don't add up to the funny, fun, or joyful moments...I just let them overpower those memories. 

I am obsessed with one line of a poem I read (it was pure coincidence - don't think I'm some smart chick who started reading poetry...the last time I read a poem prior to this was in school...). 

We must risk delight.
We can do without pleasure,
but not delight.
Not enjoyment.
We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. 
Jack Gilbert

Basically - the world is rough out there. We gotta take the challenges and keep pushing through them, cause shit's going to go down no matter what. We can focus on the moments of joy and keep striving for them - or we can accept mediocracy. 

I've experienced a deep, long depression, with little respite. It might happen again before I die. But until then, I need to keep taking the risks....so I can experience their outcome. And quit focusing on what wasn't. What isn't. And what may not be.