Risky Business

As I may have written, when I visited Alberta at the end of last year, I really had a lot of time to think. I decided that 2018 would not be a year like the last few. I would not fight so hard to win the battles that didn’t matter. I would accept what/who/where I am and make changes along the way, without being so harsh on myself. I also decided that I would go for full out love and partnership -  and if I didn’t get it, I wasn’t going to waste my time with someone that wasn’t prepared to offer it.

In fact….I knew that the person I was with was unable to offer what I needed….for quite some time now… I was…effectively morning the relationship before it had ended. Not the best sign….but sometimes you just do what you can do.

Not too long ago, I ended the relationship. I thought it would be harder than it was….but the situations as they were….it was a relief. At least if I was at home feeling lonely – it was on my terms. The relationship….had disintegrated beyond recognition, and neither him or I could carry the weight. I wish I could say we have stayed in close contact, that we will stay friends, but right now, I don’t know. I am only one in the breakup and I can only control how I deal with my side of things.

For one reason or another, this guy at work and I had been chatting a bit over the last few months (exclusively about our dogs!) and he seemed interesting enough, but I didn’t really know a lot about him. Actually, I knew a lot about his dogs but little else. One day, after I felt like there was some weird tension between us, he ended up walking out at the same time as me as we left work, and he asked me for coffee. I was SHOCKED, I had no….idea…I wasn’t thinking about dating and thought that I would be single for a long time…since I was setting the bar pretty high.

Coffee somehow got turned into brunch (I even got up early on a Sunday to meet him) and brunch turned into a three hour meal. His personality surprised me, it was refreshing…almost as if I was talking with someone that grew up in my hometown or something. We made tentative plans for another time….and then the sparks continued to develop and fly like crazy. We had a meal out during the week (where I was so nervous all I could choke down was some soup), then we had a big Saturday night date where we both dressed up and smelled pretty and then went to see a light show in a basilica.

While we were waiting for the light show to start, I started to think how I would have bought myself tickets to the light show regardless if he was there or not (I’m used to doing things alone by now), but that….it felt so much more….complete sitting next to this big handsome guy with the best smile ever, with his arm around me….and then something clicked.

I have been limiting myself….in so many areas of my life. While I can’t change everything all at once…I can change what is right in front of me (or sitting beside me, with his arm around me, smelling so fantastic). I was just going to go for it. Everything feels fast but natural. Instead of coming up with some rule book of what should take place after x dates or x weeks or x months….I’m following my heart. Which I don’t think that I’ve ever done. I’ve always….been guarded, felt like I had to build walls around me….but this time it’s different.

We have since spent quite a bit of time together….and everything feels…meant to be. Not used to hearing me write/talk like this? ME NEITHER. I don’t just take these risks. I don’t just put myself out there. But…this time?

This time…I’m fully smitten. I don’t know if it’s “smart” or “cautious” or whatever….but I don’t care. I’m ready to see where this path takes me….and if I feel like I’m willing to risk it all.