Ride with me
Lately...I’ve had a few…well, ok, more than a few moments. Many moments. Where I ask myself, Is this really my life? Is this…what real happiness feels like?
With all the changes in my life the last few years (plus struggling with my depression), I have had happy moments, happy days, happy weeks. I think that I laugh regularly.
And maybe looking back something felt missing…but I didn’t truly realize it. I felt alone….a lot. But…I was also..kind of used to it.
Now…I feel like I’m on the fourth day of a really great vacation that just blows your mind and you think to yourself…Wow, how did I get here?
My life is far from perfect. I have family, finance, work, and other life concerns/worries… and I’m scared to say it out loud. But I am. So. Happy.
I met this man…who is so wonderful….in so many ways… and I think…was all this hard work leading up to this? If so…it was worth it.
Yep, we’ve only been together for two months. Two short months. But two months where everything just…feels different.
I have gone and seen my shrink twice to…discuss if I’m having some kind of mental illness symptom or something…because I was in disbelief that…I could really be this happy….and it could be this easy…and that I could experience true happiness.
I still cry. I still have bad days. I am not in some euphoric state.
But I sleep well (finally. I think I’ve been having trouble sleeping for two or more years).
I feel well in my skin (or as well as I can right now).
I wake up most mornings and go downstairs to a wonderful man, with the best smile that I’ve ever seen… (we are not living together….but Maggie and I spend a lot of time there).
I have so many moments…where I look over at him, or I’m sitting in a quiet area, or when I’m driving in my car…and I think…whatever did I do to deserve this happiness?
I did a lot.
I fought when I was too tired to fight.
I kept going when I was at my weakest.
I walked in faith when I had none.
And just when I want to overthink things, or doubt the reality of the situation….he plays this song for me.