The gift of being with the one

“Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata
I found that quote from this article and I felt like it could have easily be written by me. It's not to say that I don't find myself around giving and generous people, but...in most cases, I would rather give than receive in my areas and aspects of my life. What isn't so easy, is to accept the kindness of others.

Since I have been with A, he has been incredibly generous. I don't just mean with material things, but with his time, patience, and constant love. CONSTANT love. No matter what. His family has been the same. Just one quick example: Last week I had a dentist appointment (and they give me drugs because nothing scares me more than dentists) and I needed a ride. A is nearing the end of a huge project, and taking a few hours off in the middle of a weekday was super tough. So, his dad offered to take me. He drove 1.5 hrs to pick me up, dropped me off at the dentist, waited for me in the dentist's office, and then drove about an hour to drive me home. He spoke the entire time about his life, his family, and his experiences. When I told A that, he was shocked. A couldn't believe that he had opened up so much and thought it was a great sign. His dad loved me. I can tell you that it was an overwhelming to receive his gift...of time and love. 

Now I'm living with A, and the constant amount of giving is never ending. I don't think twice about mowing the lawn when I know he's crazy busy and I don't think twice about spending my time or energy... to contribute to the well being of our house/couple/life...in fact, I get off on it.

But when it comes to accepting his giving nature. I fight it. I protest it. I'm not used to receiving all this...help. And it's not even presented as help, it's presented as being the other half a couple. There are areas in which he has more to give. Right now, I'm not working, so my budget is pretty tight. He - makes a decent salary - which disposable income, so he wants to make sure that I'm taken care of and don't in-debt myself while I'm job hunting and finishing my exams. 

It all sounds reasonable right? We are a partnership? But, it left me in tears, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'm taking advantage of his generosity. Most definitely, if the situations were reversed, I would insist for the same arrangement, but I'm still having a hard time accepting his kindness. In this area and in others. I'm touched when he makes me a hot chocolate and brings it upstairs for no reason. I'm flattered when he buys me this particular drink I like and brings it home...he remembers what I like and wants to make me happy.

I do the same for him...so why is it so hard...to accept it back, without feeling like I'm being a burden? The article describes it perfectly...

Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.
The hassle... I don't want to put him through the hassle...when...it's the joys of being in a healthy relationship...for better or worse.

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