Just NB

After a year or so of blogging, I was all about the Googly Analytics, checking out who was reading my blog and in which countries. Now...I write what I write...and don't really check (or care) who is reading. I know my grandma does (cause she tells me), but after yesterday's post, I wonder if people think that I just sit in my pajamas and cry all day long and never leave the house, when...apart from today, because I had a pretty rough day yesterday, it's quite the opposite.

Most days (like I said, yesterday afternoon/evening was really rough so today doesn't count), I wake up and get on with my day. I usually have physio or an errand planned. I have these two GIGANTIC DOGS that are very happy to see me, so I take care of them for a bit (say hi, let them outside, pet, cuddle, blah blah). Here are a couple of photos....I'm not sure that these photos truly capture the size and power of these dogs! Right now they are both sleeping peacefully next to me...but try to ima…

I thought we could do this friend thing. I've had it work in the past. 


I think I just wrecked that.



I thought we could have a moment...or two, where we both visit the virtual grave site of our relationship, together, and throw roses on the dirt, and then say our goodbyes, and just for a moment, grieve together. Just for a moment, be bonded in that sadness of what we are giving up. I tried to communicate that. But I didn't do a very good job. 


Instead I think that my texts and phone calls...have just driven him away...

The sadness and grief too much.


On the plus side, yesterday was the first day that I had an "ok" day. Too bad it was follow by this day...this big fight...with yelling and....words and messages I don't understand, only to quit calling and texting him if I'm sad. I wore him out. Understandable. I've worn myself out.

I’ve always been scared of anger.
Never sure what to do with it...and thought of it as kind of a wasted emotion....

But it’s here.


Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have any because we are amicable and because he’s been helping take care of me and get started back on my feet again.

But I am so angry right now that my chest feels so tight that it might just explode.

He lied to me for months. He told me everything was going to be OK. He told me that he loves me because of who I am. He told me that we were going to be OK and that we were OK.

Is it crazy that even now I have to stop and tell you that he’s not a bad person? Far from it, in fact. For me to express my anger, I need to tell you that he’s a good man. That all of this is do illogical.

But I am so angry.

He gets to come home every night to the dogs, to his familiar surroundings, to everything that he knows. His home. No longer ours.

I come home to my cousin's house, my cousin’s dogs, and every night I sleep in the basement. The bed i…

I've been married once before...so shouldn't I kind of know how to handle this heartbreak thing? This relocating to Alberta? It should seem somewhat familiar...right?

No. Everything but familiar. Yesterday night, while I was feeling sick as a dog, I decided I needed a slurpee. And, since I can't find one glove, I needed gloves. I think I was gone for an hour and a half, I came back with gloves and a bottle of Coke. I never found the gas station selling slurpees...and I don't know what I did for that hour and a half...

I'm finding this a lot lately...that errands take me so long...that I lose track of time, that I just walk around aimlessly. It's not depression...it's just this...feeling like...I'm missing something. Like, I can't function...without him...and I used to carry him around in my heart.

Even when we weren't physically together, him at work, me studying at the library, I felt him with me. We were together. I remember my ex-husband descr…

First, I have to clarify, in my previous post - my ex didn't tell me to get over it, he told me, in so many words, to get it together. I call him...at times when I'm not ok...and when we have conversations, I'm not exactly...well, my conversation path doesn't always make sense. I'm not sure if that's any better, but I'm not doing so well keeping it together when we are in contact. Why? I'm confused everything...
I'm worried about money, life, a job, where I'll live post-vacation, what I'll do, money, finances, money, money, money, money.........................
My condo might be empty for a month or two - I might be living in it until it's rented, but that also means no rental income... My car payments are high (which was fine when I was working...and the used mini-SUV kinda saved my butt about a hundred times in the winter). I am receiving a generous, "Sorry I broke your heart" stipend, but I still panic...mainly in part becau…

I knew that starting over would be difficult....but I didn't know that finding a place would cause such emotion....I didn't know that the Edmonton job market would be so difficult, and I didn't know that the expatriate job market process would be so confusing.

I don't think I'm ready for an expatriate job....(I had one kind of on the back burner, but I never felt safe...and I didn't have a good feeling about it...at all....).

Yesterday I spent most of the day in tears....and commiserating by myself, feeling so sorry for myself...

My ex is providing me with financial support...but I'm terrified to spend any...because I don't know how long it will take to find a job...I don't know how much the job will pay, and I will also have to buy things like a couch, chairs, etc... I had a cute, perfect little home before we moved in together, and now...I have to do it all over again, and I'm sorry, dear reader if it sounds like I'm a spoiled rich girl co…

I did that from sunup to sundown today.

I have a place to stay.

I'll figure out a place to live when I get back from my three week long trip. I'll be camping. I was totally convinced that I needed it, until my ex told me that I should take care of my stuff in Alberta. Then I felt guilt. Regret for doing something so luxurious (although the trip is soooooooooo non-luxurious), and now I'm panicking....

I have a place to stay.

I'm taking a trip.

My life has no structure.

I'll deal with it.

I spent my first two weeks here at one of my closest friend's house. I really like his wife and he also has two kids - two and four. Cleaning, laundry, and organizing was my therapy, but after two weeks, my mind needed some quiet.

I came here yesterday, but am already feeling my welcome well be short lived. We are talking what will happen on Sunday, if I will have the option to extend or not...so now...I have to decide what to do. Of course I could head to my grandma's, my aunt's, or back to the house with the kids...but I had hoped to spend a couple of weeks here...with my cousin and the dogs...and I'm sure that I'm just being sensitive right now...

I just need somewhere to land...until I take my plane...onto my trip.

I know most certainly I’ll feel better, happier, settled and build a life for myself.

In theory, that my heart and soul and being will heal...but I just can’t ever imagine it. This is different from my divorce. Different from any pain or breakup I’ve ever had.

I’ve been told I’m doing better than anyone would have ever thought...but I can’t process....that my...Prince Charming....my best friend...my forever, became a person that I don’t know, that I still don’t know, and he told me it was over three weeks and one day ago, packed a bag, and went to stay with his parents’, with me having to convince him to keep all three dogs home instead of putting them in a kennel.

His mind had been made up over the course of 2 or 3 months, I’m still confused. And he wants to support me, and hopes to remain dear friends, and help me financially until I’m settled (I’m beyond appreciative because the common law rule does not apply in Quebec and he’s being very generous...).

But he feels his life is now…

I'm thinking of taking a big trip.

A kind of "life-changing" trip. There are two that I'm playing with. And it looks like...my ex will be contributing in some sort of way. (Or else, let's face it, I wouldn't be going because I can't spend any money at all right now since I don't have a house/job/anything that resembles a life).

But I feel like if I go...I will really, truly really be saying goodbye to him. If I say....I can hold on to some kind of...something of us. Like, we're not really over, but if I go....if I take that trip, if I take the contribution to the trip, I'm accepting that we are done, and that we are over, and I'm not ready for that. It hasn't even been four weeks since I just received this out of the blue, "We're over, I'm going to stay at my parents" line...and my mind/soul/body isn't ready to accept that...we had something that he was SO SURE about...until two months prior our breakup....or so h…

A four-year old just sang me happy birthday.

I started the day with the intention to be grateful. Grateful because not everyone gets to grow old. Not everyone gets to grow old, or at least to be thirty-nine years old. But I do. And I get to have family and friends, and most of them are all living in the same city as I am right now.

Ihop first off, with said four-year old, his two-year old brother, and his parents. Then, driving to the airport to exchange my car. How can it be possible to live in a climate where it's regularly -30*C or -40*C, with blowing wind, regular dumps of snow, that it's not the law to have snow tires? My Nissan Versa, aka, clown car, was not equipped with snow tires. So off I went, in whiteout conditions, to pay $20 more per day, for freaking snow tires for the same clown car.

The plan was to meet my family afterwards to celebrate my birthday.

My brain...my...broken heart...and the elephant on my chest...was trying to tell me otherwise. I started to think…

I don’t need a new or separate blog to talk about my hardest year. I’ve had…several “hardest years”…and I’ve somehow managed to survive all of them. 

While this one feels like the most crushing….because I felt like all that climbing and falling and climbing to get back up again….all of that pain and tears and feeling like I would never see the light..well I thought it finally led to…the life that I had.

Perhaps I had the wool over my eyes, perhaps I was stupid in thinking that I had met my happily ever after…perhaps I’m someone who gets to have a “happy”, but it comes in a different package…perhaps…I don’t know, I can’t even imagine what a happy will look like now. 

I know that I need to forge on, I know that my outlook will look change and I will start to look after myself better. I know I will start to begin to build my life again, I will make sound choices, but being open to a happily ever after? No. 

I’m open to building my life so that I’m happy. So that I laugh more than I cry. So t…

Some moments it hurts to breathe.


Leaving tomorrow for my “home” town...the sadness of leaving is becoming more and more crushing as the hours approach.

I keep telling myself to quit planning my life and just enjoy the company of those around me...but I lost the plans that I had for the rest of my life.

Next week I’ll turn 39.


Starting life over at 39.

With no idea where to begin or how to stop crying.

Things haven't been feeling normal. I had been chalking it up to work stress. It's that end-of-the-year time that can make everyone feel a little too much pressure...

I'm insecure in nature...but the last month or so, I feel like I've been chasing him, in some kind of way. But I can't be...because he's promised me..he's in this. Like always. And he never lets me down.

Until Day 1. We had argued, for a silly reason, but it turned into something bigger, that left me feeling like, I wasn't enough...like I would never be enough.

He called, telling me he was coming home early so we could talk. I wasn't sure if this was good news or bad, but I thought how much he must have cared to leave work early to talk about our issues. He did. But he ended things. He couldn't tell me much, other than he couldn't see us as a compatible couple. I can't remember much else. I had no answers to anyone's questions.

We decided that I would stay at the house and …

If Wednesday was Day 1, then today makes it Day 4.

Day 1: My Happily Ever After came home and told me that he no longer wanted a relationship. He loved me, he thinks I'm the best person in the entire world, he wants me in his life, but he doesn't think he's cut out to be in a relationship.

I am full of questions. I am starting to understand a bit. I am also understanding why I felt so insecure the last few months, why I felt like I was chasing after him, and why I felt like he was unhappy....why it was my fault..that there was something wrong with me.

I'm in a daze. I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other.

I had just started job hunting and it was going well.

He's broken up. I think he's making the biggest mistake.

But I can't fighting for two people.

I was once married and then divorced. The pain that I feel...well, maybe I am used to it.....or maybe I was somehow prepared for it....knowing the entire time that for me....there is no such thing a…