Day 1-4

If Wednesday was Day 1, then today makes it Day 4.

Day 1: My Happily Ever After came home and told me that he no longer wanted a relationship. He loved me, he thinks I'm the best person in the entire world, he wants me in his life, but he doesn't think he's cut out to be in a relationship.

I am full of questions. I am starting to understand a bit. I am also understanding why I felt so insecure the last few months, why I felt like I was chasing after him, and why I felt like he was unhappy....why it was my fault..that there was something wrong with me.

I'm in a daze. I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other.

I had just started job hunting and it was going well.

He's broken up. I think he's making the biggest mistake.

But I can't fighting for two people.

I was once married and then divorced. The pain that I feel...well, maybe I am used to it.....or maybe I was somehow prepared for it....knowing the entire time that for me....there is no such thing as a happy ending.

Next week, I'll be 39 and I was prepared for it to be one of the best years of my life.

Instead, it will be one of the hardest as I tradition from a couple, from a life at the lake house, with our three fur-creatures, a life that I had already built in my head....into a single person, building my life on my own, most likely in Alberta, because, without the life that we were building, without the family and "our" life here....I don't want to be in Quebec.

Nothing feels real and everything feels real.

This will be my hardest year, but I will look back, at the end of the year, and be proud of myself for getting through it, with force and strength, and success. Whatever that looks like. My heart, scattered in pieces everywhere, will remain that way, possibly for years to come, but I haven't worked this hard on myself for this long, just to fall apart. I will have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, but I will get through my hardest year.