I don't think I'm ready for an expatriate job....(I had one kind of on the back burner, but I never felt safe...and I didn't have a good feeling about it...at all....).
Yesterday I spent most of the day in tears....and commiserating by myself, feeling so sorry for myself...
My ex is providing me with financial support...but I'm terrified to spend any...because I don't know how long it will take to find a job...I don't know how much the job will pay, and I will also have to buy things like a couch, chairs, etc... I had a cute, perfect little home before we moved in together, and now...I have to do it all over again, and I'm sorry, dear reader if it sounds like I'm a spoiled rich girl complaining, but I'm terrified to do it all over again.
I've had to do it too many times.
My ex-husband and I separated once, I set my shop in Edmonton, not 100%, but I began the process...then we reconciled. Then we divorced, so I set up temporary shop in a semi-furnished apartment in Montreal. I waited a year, then set up my own shop, and I just finally had it into a cute, little place (actually, it was big for Montreal standards!), and then...I move in with my new ex. I worked to change it from his place into our place...adding touches here and there. And now I have to do it again.
But I'm so broken this time. My heart is in pieces.... He's told me...a few times now, that I have to get over it. Yesterday he told me that it wasn't the end of the world. Can he say that? As he's sitting in his home, with the dogs, with no worries (well, financially, perhaps, since he's helping to support me), except for receiving my tearful calls, and worrying about my mental health? I think that he would have a hard time, changing provinces, lives, everything....
And...it is the end of my world. For sure I am happy to be back where I know more people, I have friends and family within a 25 km radius...but I'm changing cultures, languages, lives, and losing the biggest and most important relationship that I've ever had in my life...and there was no build up. There was a sit down conversation and then he left the house maybe 45 minutes later with some clothes to stay at his parents. I can't just get over it.
He made the suggestion that I should keep the money that my "vacation" costs and use that if I'm so worried.
Then all kinds of guilt happened. My "vacation", is a trip of a lifetime, but it's also a trip for me to mourn...the fifty years of growing old with him that I had. Maybe he didn't have it. Maybe it's self-serving and maybe it's frivolous and irresponsible and stupid and I'll be poor all of my life because of it. Maybe I'm completely ridiculous to do it and maybe I'm so selfish for taking that money to travel. But I need to get away from everything I know, be far away from everything I know, and shake my life up, and shake it up hard. I need to see that there is more than my life. I need to see that there is people living with less than me and they are happy. I need to see something bigger than my pain. If you really knew me as a person, you would understand it. If you could read my heart's language, you would tell me to go...but as of yesterday, I'm doubting myself. I'm thinking I should keep the money in case I don't have a job....I should be responsible, I should apply to work at Starbucks...I should be penny pinching...I should...make my life as miserable on the outside as I feel on the inside.
Or not. I can just go. And do what I do. And pray constantly for healing, in the way that I do. And be thankful that my ex is paying for the trip. And remember that I'm resourceful in many ways, and that I figure things out, just right this second, or this day, or this...month.