I’ve been sorting through the memories of my trip…it’s unbelievable the experiences that I went through.
I had no idea how strong I was. I slept on a thin mat on the ground in the heat while my back was in way more pain than I admitted. I am someone who thrives on sleep and needs a good night’s rest, yet somehow was able to go three weeks with horrible sleep, often waking up every hour, and yet most days able to enjoy the experience, despite my heart broken and my mind ready to go to a negative place at the drop of a hat. I helped unload and load the Lando, I carried my bags, I put up and took down my tent every day (except on those days we stayed in hostels/hotels). I did it because I had to be strong, because I came to Africa for the experience, and because I was determined to have those special moments in Africa that I longed for. It was worth every stinky pain cream that I purchased. It was worth every pain and every tear I cried.
Yet, I almost let them slip out of my hands because I felt rejected/uncool/not part of the crowd, and I didn’t know how to deal with myself socially…and for nearly a week after the tour, all of the magic of the experiences that I was blessed to experience seemed far, and I let the pain and hurt of the insignificant moments fill my head.
It’s a natural thing for me right now - to go straight to the negative. I am surrounded by so many positive people and giving and gracious people, and all I focus on is how guilty I feel for being such a “burden”. I feel like I should be doing better or relying less on the kindness of my friends…when in a heartbeat I would do the same for them. I know that I’m not in the best place right now. I know my heart is broken, my self-esteem is low, but I don’t know why I’m so quick to judge myself, to think negatively of myself, and to just beat myself up…like I’m in the boxing ring with myself, and clearly there is no winner.
In the following weeks, I’d like to go through my trip, a day at a time, in whatever order I wish, and write my trip again, thinking back to that particular day and what really happened. I have notes on my phone, I finally have half decent pictures thanks to Florian (one of the people on my tour), and I’ve finally figured out (I think?) how to work this MacBook Air that my ex lent me, since my computer stopped working shortly before my trip.
This trip took me from someone that was barely functional to someone that, although has some pretty low self-esteem and some pretty high social anxiety, but is at least able to function a lot better, and is able to build my life up again, whereas before....I couldn't even contemplate the idea. It merits me taking the time and going through it and writing in my own way and in my own time and having it documented properly.