Just NB

I printed off some photos of my grandpa but they are in odd sizes and I can’t find a photo frame that works. In the meantime, I’ve left my porch light on, since I turned it on for some odd reason the night of his death. Last night, after taking 7 full days off of work, spending a lot of time alone, grieving, resting, practicing yoga and meditation, coming to terms with such a huge loss in a year of losses…I turned off the light. I also taped up the photos of him, so it’s the first thing I see when I come home. More than a month after his death, I felt ok enough to turn off the light. I’m sure there’s 900 pages of symbolism and what it means that I could write about… Maybe later. Praying he is at peace and truly in a better place, watching over us.

So very thankful to my ex for letting me take the dog. This 5kg of fur has been such a blessing in my life. I drag her everywhere, I pulled out her tooth, I've accidentally kicked her in the head about 13 times during my workouts, I leave her alone 3 days a week for 12-14 hours at a time, and all she asks for is a little bit of cuddling every day & a few walks.  I don't know how I would get through the last three months without her. 

It's like a broken leg. Sure, it hurts a lot at first, but the pain subsides. You wear a cast for awhile. It's awkward, doing everything takes longer, is more difficult, often seemingly impossible or requiring a significant amount of assistance. The cast comes off, but still, those everyday tasks are different, difficult, and requires adjustment & time.  The injury stays forever. On a rainy or cold day, the pain is there, long after you've recovered. I've been trying to focus on the good. No more suffering, a long life lived, a happy life lived. But everything feels off. Sleeping, walking, working... Today I completely broke down to maybe one of the smartest people I know who spoke to be about the similarities between grief and a broken leg. It completely resonated with me & I love the analogy.  I'm trying to remember I'm hurt....injured...recovering...that this will take a long, long time. And that's ok. 

I’m a horrible pet owner. But I thought I’d post a Maggie story…and lighten things up a bit. My greif stories are getting a little heavy.   Yesterday, I put my non-existent vet and dental training to use.  Maggie has been kind of eating weird lately and yesterday scratching her face like I’ve never seen. The last time I took her to the vet, they recommended that I start brushing at least with a qtip to get used to the feeling and that in 6 months’ time she should have a professional cleaning done, because of her age and how her teeth looked. I put it off because….well…divorce, moving, vacationing is kind of a money pit, and I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it.  They have to put her to sleep and that freaks me out. She’s less than 5kg….   Anyway, I took out the qtip and started to “brush” her teeth. I saw that one was so loose, it was almost all of the way out. Like, really, really almost out. Now I understood why she was eating funny, she has a tooth half han...

Dear Friend,  Thanks again for coming to the funeral. Everyone thought it was very nice. I go over that day again and again...& the prep work, the morning of....it seriously felt like a wedding. We were all running around picking up ice, trays, etc....I really didn't help out much because my brain was like...on another planet. I think the only thing I did to help out was slice buns. Everything just kind of happened around me.  Honestly I am so flattered & honored that I got to speak about my grandpa.  I can barely remember the moment...but wow...that slide show killllllled me. The photos were amazing. The music (especially the first solo!!!!) was wonderful. I had to go to the church library a few times because it was all so overwhelming. The first time I went someone followed me. I didn't know who but I put my head down on the desk and cried and cried and cried while the mystery person rubbed my back. I turned around finally and saw that it was my friend, Stephani...